Sometimes, I question if my husband really loves me, or just the idea of me. I still don’t know what is real, or what real love is.
In all of my life, I have never had any one person actually love me or care for me, including childhood and infancy. People have only ever used me. Maybe in that void I just wanted (needed) to be loved too badly, loved at all. Oh, I’ve had countless people see potential in me and want me for a trophy wife or personal possession, but they never really cared about me, they only cared about what I could do for them. They were selfish, and self-centered and therefore unworthy of my love, but this has become my acquired self-worth…. That, I myself, am unworthy of love.
And then this hero comes along… So what makes him different? What makes me believe that I can trust him? How do I know if it’s real, or if he is just more charming than the rest? I don’t.
Most of the time I’m completely convinced, allowing myself to live in the bubble, believing the dream, but then I get a quite moment to reflect and that familiar doubt creeps in. . .
How does a person argue with a lifetime of experience and win? Or do they at all?
Maybe this doubt is a red flag, alerting me of the old familiar to-good-to-be-true. Because, I’m me… Unlovable. I must be. This is what I’ve been lead to believe, this has been my only experience. . . Until now.
I may be going back and forth and reiterating, but this is the reflection of my thought process. I’m fighting with myself… over being loved! Why am I so self-destructive? This is probably the root of why I’ve NEVER been loved, because after so much experience I most likely created a defense of expecting it and either allowing it or instigating it. . . And this is what people do. We protect ourselves from being unloved by not allowing ourselves to be loved?!? Or accepting anything that anyone passes off onto us as “love”, even if it’s hurtful or destructive too. Unfortunately.
So now this person, this knight in shining armor, the one your cynicism warned you about, comes along and suddenly does what no one else could do. . . He sees into me, he sees truth and love and good hidden under all of the trauma and neglect and pain. But how!?!? He doesn’t exist! How could he?! I convinced myself he can’t be true, it could never, would never, happen to me.
But he loves me. He wont give up on me. He insists that I’m worthy. Maybe someday he’ll teach me. He’s a dream come true, and everything I ever wanted him to be. I think I’m going crazy.
Then what the hell is he doing with an emotional cripple like me? But he nurtures me and cares for me and I’m slowly coming along. Maybe someday I’ll see what he sees. Maybe someday I’ll believe I’m worthy of love. And when that day comes I’ll know if he’s real and why he loves me. Fortunately, I have the rest of my life to find out.
Until then . . .