Is it possible to love someone too much?
To depend on them too much? To not have any reservations about this?
Many “experts” would easily argue “yes“…
This could easily be catergorized as need, dependancy, lust, infatuation, or ego feed.
But then, what is it called when you are “all in”?
No life raft on the boat, no parachute on the plane, not even a seat that doubles as a floatation device… no insurance policy or off-shore accounts. . .
No back-up plan. No going back.
Is this vulnerability supposed to be scary? Isn’t it supposed to be comforting?
Is it too much? SHOULD there be a Plan B?
The way I see… Marriage is like skating on ice:
Each partner is a blade, they have the weight of a combination life on a mutual load, and the object is to balance this weight on a often slippery and unpredictable surface while attempting to move the load forward and hopefully have some fun in the process.
Is that asking too much?
To trust another person to help balance that weight without staying close to the edge of the ice, without keeping a hand on that wall to be prepared to catch yourself if you do lose balance.
Is that doing too much?
What are risks?
For some, just falling.
For others, falling thropugh the ice. . .
And my fear at this point in “the honeymoon phase”, is not falling through the ice… or even falling for that matter, but more the fear that that SHOULD or SHOULDN’T be a fear.
My husband, who admirably understands and accepts my past, my hesitations, my fears, asked me recently, “Are you still holding back?”
I thought I’d be able to answer this question without hesitation, I know myself, I can assess where I am at… But there was a hesitation.
I really couldn’t assess myself.
I guess I had gotten so distracted with married life that I had forgotten to account for the fear of being married.
Is my hand still on the wall?
I forgot to look back. . . I forgot to look up!
I think I’ve been so distracted with staring at the two blades in wonder and awe, and a little anxiety, watching them go from fumbling and inexperienced to balanced and almost, almost graceful!
Like a toddler learning to walk…and then skate! LOL
Seeing each one occassionaly become a little weak, a bit wobbly, worrying that the other would collapse from the weight, but then watching as the burden of weight is effortlessly transferred back and forth and the two blades continue to push forward…
Impressed and proud that so much burden can be balanced and transported by two fragile, unassuming little blades.
But is my hand still on the wall?
Is it possible that I’ve finally let go? That I’m no longer looking to save myself?
I’m looking around now for that saftey feature, that security, to know I have a second chance…
But I don’t think I do.
The wall is not within arms reach. My hand is in his hand.
And, honestly, I think it’s safer this way.
Holding onto the wall keeps us from trusting our own two feet and the blades underneath them.
We’ll never learn the required balance to push forward or begin learning new spins and tricks with our hand on the wall. And that’s the fun stuff!
And marriage is supposed to be fun, right?
Is that even possible?
Maybe it is. Maybe it’s not. Maybe trusting someone too much is dumb. And sometimes the ice is thin. . . but I’m “all in”. No more holding back, no holding onto the wall.
My hand is in my partner’s hand and I will trust him to help move us along.
And maybe, just maybe, if we work hard enough and practice everyday, we’ll learn a new trick along the way!
If that’s possible.
Thanks for following us on our adventure! Hopefully it will be an exciting and fun ride. Keep up with more relationship fun through these other social networks as well:
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InstaGram: @your__ex_girlfriend or #kalanilei
Stay tuned for more . . .