Am I ready?
Once again I find myself at a test point of education and experience. Once again I have to find out if I’ve learned anything from my new set of tribulations. Have I?
Am I finally any different from the blind, abandoned, loveless adolescent that started on this journey of self-discovery and adulthood so long ago? Has experience with life, ego and heartache taught me anything yet?
If life is a lesson in perception and self-preservation…. Have I learned to perceive? To preserve?
Do I know what I want or what I’m worthy of? Is it the same?
None of these questions will be answered in this blog. I wish it were that easy. All I can hope to do in this process, is sort out a few things mentally as I attempt to sort them linguistically.
Recently, I met a man. We’ve been seeing eachother for about a month and have been on around four dates. So far he is a seemingly “nice guy“…. am I ready for this test?
In my previous blog, I entertained the differences (of my personal perception) between “nice guys” and “bad boys”… In my previous experiences, I’ve entertained relationships with nothing but Bad Boys, at the cost of rejecting anything that showed signs of being a nice guy. I was young and feral, and careless with me. As I have aged and lived, I have learned that I am, or at the very least want to be, worthy of sharing a life with a Nice Guy. This, for me, means overcoming any anxiety or fear attached to my being undeserving of good and my ability to disrupt or destroy that fragile good soul, as I fear I have done with so many in the past.
*Let me stop here and say that, for that, I apologize. I never consciencely intended to hurt anyone, more subconsciencely intended to hurt myself. An emotional and moral worth set for me by those that came before you. This late and impersonal apology can in no way make up for the confusion, frustration and heartache that I may have or must have caused you, but I sincerely wish I could undo any damage caused to you or the women that followed in my wake of emotional destruction passed through you.
Now, I once again find myself presented with a package of Nice Guy….but do I trust it? Or destroy it? In my own attempts at rationalizing the events of my existence and interaction with others, I have concluded that my expulsion of good from my life is some attempt to preserve it, to save it from me, from the subconscience damage I am capable of. Can anyone tell me if that sounds like reason? Or probably just a rational excuse… I’m confused.
Nonetheless, I am at present, presented with the facade of a “nice guy” and I am not quite sure if I am capable of knowing if he is real or if I am ready. This story holds an octagon of angles… He likes me. Is it real? Do I like him? Can I trust it? It’s complicated. Is that why he likes it? Is that why I do? Is there even a point with no future?
Are all of these issues just an elaborate excuse to avoid intimacy?
There are obviously more questions than answers in this complicated conundrum. I guess I will have to keep moving forward, pick a path and walk it until I reach an answer. When that answer becomes clear to me…. I will get back to you. So until that time, we will leave this:
To be continued . . .
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