Thirst Quenching

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“It’s sometimes difficult to distinguish love from need.  We may think that because we feel as if we can’t live without someone, we must love them very much.  But this is more a sign of need than love. 
If our sense of security is based on another person, if our happiness seems to depend on whether that person is available to us, the chances are that our feelings stem from neediness rather than true love.

When we are already whole, secure people, finding someone to love is like the icing on the cake.  We don’t need them in order to have a happy life, but our love sure makes life a lot better. Unfortunately, most people look to love to make them whole, to fill up some empty space inside themselves.”
-Author Unknown

This has been a subject matter I’ve been witnessing for some time now. 
Watching friends and strangers looking for fulfillment, validation, attention, affection, etc…  Latch onto relationships desperate to use another person to fill that void.  I’ve watched these people fail one after another without understanding what went/goes wrong.  One after the next.
Sometimes, it’s one or two in a years time, for others, it’s a new relationship every two months!

Of course I’ve had my fair share of failed relationships, we all (or most) have.  And of course it’s easy to see when looking from the outside in.
So, I’m not judging, just observing, learning.
No matter where we are at in our own personal path in life, be it relationships, career, or other personal successes, I feel we should always stay open to learning and looking for ways to lend a helping hand, to share what knowledge we have obtained.
So, my observation is not for entertainment, but for study and theory.  The unfortunate solution being, that no person can be given direction or an “easy answer” to fix their fatal pattern.  Everybody has to go through each and every event and experience it for themselves to learn what they personally need to learn from any situation.  Because, let’s face it, we all know you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

Explaining to someone needy that self-love is their solution is the last thing that person will be open to accepting.
They need to learn that lesson the hard way.  They need to bottom out and be let down by other’s inability to fill their void, it’s only through that method that they’ll see the answer and gain the ability to heal themselves.

So, like any of my blogs, this is not an answer, solution or advice post, just a personal opinion intended to create awareness.  Self-Awareness.

What are your relationships based on?  Are you full on your own or looking for someone to fulfill you?
Is the attention that you require from others justified, or demanded to fulfill a need? 
Do you give as much support as you take?
Does your partner support you, or just take, demand, and expect?
When your relationships end, do you take responsibility for anything? Or just place blame?

The more simple version to self-awareness is this question:

Do you want a relationship, or do you need someone?
Are you capable of supporting yourself emotionally or do you need someone else to always “fix” you?

Like I said, I have no answers, I have no judgements.  Those are things we can only bring upon ourselves.
I am merely learning like the rest of us, and always trying to keep focused on my own pattern and progress as well.
Even if we’re married, happily or otherwise, this is a helpful subject matter to keep in mind.  Keep ourselves in check.  Keep our relationships balanced.
It may just save someone from emotional demise.

Will it be you?

Stay tuned!

If you’re keeping up with the blog, you know all the venues:

Twitter: /kalanilei – “your ex-girlfriend”
Facebook: ” Yoer eX-gurlfrend “
YouTube: /kalanilei – “your ex-girlfriend”
and now
Instagram: your__ex_girlfriend

Find me! Follow me! Friend me!

Till next time . . . .

Is It Possible?

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Holding On

Is it possible to love someone too much?

To depend on them too much? To not have any reservations about this?

Many “experts” would easily argue “yes“…
This could easily be catergorized as need, dependancy, lust, infatuation, or ego feed.

But then, what is it called when you are “all in”?
No life raft on the boat, no parachute on the plane, not even a seat that doubles as a floatation device… no insurance policy or off-shore accounts. . .

No back-up plan. No going back.

Is this vulnerability supposed to be scary? Isn’t it supposed to be comforting?
Is it too much? SHOULD there be a Plan B?

The way I see… Marriage is like skating on ice:

Each partner is a blade, they have the weight of a combination life on a mutual load, and the object is to balance this weight on a often slippery and unpredictable surface while attempting to move the load forward and hopefully have some fun in the process.

Is that asking too much?
To trust another person to help balance that weight without staying close to the edge of the ice, without keeping a hand on that wall to be prepared to catch yourself if you do lose balance.
Is that doing too much?

What are risks?
For some, just falling.
For others, falling thropugh the ice. . .

And my fear at this point in “the honeymoon phase”, is not falling through the ice… or even falling for that matter, but more the fear that that SHOULD or SHOULDN’T be a fear.

My husband, who admirably understands and accepts my past, my hesitations, my fears, asked me recently, “Are you still holding back?”

I thought I’d be able to answer this question without hesitation, I know myself, I can assess where I am at… But there was a hesitation.
I really couldn’t assess myself.

I guess I had gotten so distracted with married life that I had forgotten to account for the fear of being married.

Is my hand still on the wall?
I forgot to look back. . . I forgot to look up!

I think I’ve been so distracted with staring at the two blades in wonder and awe, and a little anxiety, watching them go from fumbling and inexperienced to balanced and almost, almost graceful!
Like a toddler learning to walk…and then skate! LOL
Seeing each one occassionaly become a little weak, a bit wobbly, worrying that the other would collapse from the weight, but then watching as the burden of weight is effortlessly transferred back and forth and the two blades continue to push forward…
Impressed and proud that so much burden can be balanced and transported by two fragile, unassuming little blades.

But is my hand still on the wall?

Is it??

Is it possible that I’ve finally let go? That I’m no longer looking to save myself?

I’m looking around now for that saftey feature, that security, to know I have a second chance…
But I don’t think I do.

The wall is not within arms reach. My hand is in his hand.

And, honestly, I think it’s safer this way.

Holding onto the wall keeps us from trusting our own two feet and the blades underneath them.
We’ll never learn the required balance to push forward or begin learning new spins and tricks with our hand on the wall.  And that’s the fun stuff!
And marriage is supposed to be fun, right?

Is that even possible?

Maybe it is.  Maybe it’s not.  Maybe trusting someone too much is dumb.  And sometimes the ice is thin. . . but I’m “all in”.  No more holding back, no holding onto the wall.
My hand is in my partner’s hand and I will trust him to help move us along.

And maybe, just maybe, if we work hard enough and practice everyday, we’ll learn a new trick along the way!

If that’s possible.

Thanks for following us on our adventure!  Hopefully it will be an exciting and fun ride.  Keep up with more relationship fun through these other social networks as well:

Facebook:  Your eXgirlfriend

Twitter: Your eXgirlfriend

InstaGram: @your__ex_girlfriend or #kalanilei

Stay tuned for more . . .

Trust Issues

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Trust Issues

Trust Issues

Sometimes, I question if my husband really loves me, or just the idea of me.  I still don’t know what is real, or what real love is.

In all of my life, I have never had any one person actually love me or care for me, including childhood and infancy.  People have only ever used me.  Maybe in that void I just wanted (needed) to be loved too badly, loved at all.  Oh, I’ve had countless people see potential in me and want me for a trophy wife or personal possession, but they never really cared about me, they only cared about what I could do for them.  They were selfish, and self-centered and therefore unworthy of my love, but this has become my acquired self-worth…. That, I myself, am unworthy of love.

And then this hero comes along…  So what makes him different?  What makes me believe that I can trust him?  How do I know if it’s real, or if he is just more charming than the rest?  I don’t.

Most of the time I’m completely convinced, allowing myself to live in the bubble, believing the dream, but then I get a quite moment to reflect and that familiar doubt creeps in. . .

How does a person argue with a lifetime of experience and win?  Or do they at all?

Maybe this doubt is a red flag, alerting me of the old familiar to-good-to-be-true.  Because, I’m me… Unlovable. I must be.  This is what I’ve been lead to believe, this has been my only experience. . . Until now.

I may be going back and forth and reiterating, but this is the reflection of my thought process.  I’m fighting with myself… over being loved!  Why am I so self-destructive?  This is probably the root of why I’ve NEVER been loved, because after so much experience I most likely created a defense of expecting it and either allowing it or instigating it. . . And this is what people do.  We protect ourselves from being unloved by not allowing ourselves to be loved?!?  Or accepting anything that anyone passes off onto us as “love”, even if it’s hurtful or destructive too.  Unfortunately.

So now this person, this knight in shining armor, the one your cynicism warned you about, comes along and suddenly does what no one else could do. . . He sees into me, he sees truth and love and good hidden under all of the trauma and neglect and pain.  But how!?!?  He doesn’t exist!  How could he?!  I convinced myself he can’t be true, it could never, would never, happen to me. 

But he loves me.  He wont give up on me.  He insists that I’m worthy.  Maybe someday he’ll teach me.  He’s a dream come true, and everything I ever wanted him to be.  I think I’m going crazy. 

Then what the hell is he doing with an emotional cripple like me?  But he nurtures me and cares for me and I’m slowly coming along.  Maybe someday I’ll see what he sees.  Maybe someday I’ll believe I’m worthy of love.  And when that day comes I’ll know if he’s real and why he loves me.  Fortunately, I have the rest of my life to find out.

Until then . . .

 

Facebook.com/lolita.ventura1

Twitter.com/kalanilei

Youtube.com/kalanilei

 

So far. . .

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- 50% of all marriages this year will statistically end in divorce within 5 years. -

TOP 3 CAUSES OF DIVORCE IN AMERICA:

#3 Family Pressure.
Many People allow family or friends to control their lives.

#2 Infidelity
Cheating is one of the most selfish acts a person can succumb to.

#1 Money
Couples young and old have been known to part over financial issues.

It’s been two months tomorrow.
So far, marriage is everything they say that it will be…

Friendship, partnership, higher stress rate, lower sex drive, money problems, baggage, along with endless blame, arguments, comfort, insecurities, affection, tension, love, gratitude and lack of appreciation. In no particular order.

Marriage is not easy. I don’t believe that it is supposed to be. Just like anything else worth having, or worth being worthy of, it is supposed to be ‘worth it’.
So many people have this delusion that once they walk down that isle that all their dreams come true, they receive a medieval dowry and live happily and comfortably ever after in sexual, utopian bliss. . .
Deep down, even the most delusional of us know that that is merely a dream cloaking the reality of family, friends, exs, sacrifice, and financial hurdles littering the path between wedded and bliss.

I used to say “relationships are hard”.
Relationships are NOT hard. I am an over-achiever who strives for perfection and is deathly afraid to even attempt anything I don’t believe I can do perfectly and easily. So yes, relationships were hard for me, because I let them be! I was too stubborn to give up any amount of time and effort I had wasted on some dead relationship and just cut my losses instead of desperately attempting to CPR it into some passable state of successful appearance.
Relationships were hard because I was hard on myself, and there is always gonna be some deadbeat loser loitering around to take advantage of that delusional drive many women have to “make it work”.
When relationships became easier is when I realized how easy it is to cut the loss and walk away. When I opened my eyes to the fact that I was crying over how there is someone better out there, but they were never gonna see me with some incapable, dramatic, man-child in my way.
(And if they did, they would realize based on who/what I was dealing with that they were out of my league. Truth hurts)
So I stopped pretending that relationships were so hard and stopped accepting less than what I knew I truly deserved… Suddenly, relationships were not hard, relationships no longer had unrealistic amounts of pressure, relationships are temporary, like, auditions. If they don’t make it, it’s not your fault, they just weren’t right for the roll. NEXT!

Marriage. Marriage is hard. There is no one next, no one else to audition, you’ve cast the roll of life partner and you are praying to the powers that be that that person can pull it off. The camera is live, everyone is watching, your future depends on this and there is no going back.

Marriage is hard.
Marriage is permanent (for those, like myself, who don’t believe in divorce). All mistakes are inerasable. And it feels like everyone is watching, waiting, hoping to see you fail. . .

Something about that permanency is so claustrophobic.
But also somehow very comforting and relieving at the same time.
Knowing no matter what you are going through and how difficult is gets, you will always have a partner in crime, someone will always have your back. You may go through low lows, but you won’t ever again have to go them alone.

A young couple approached me a few weeks ago with questions on how my new spouse and I were getting along, I explained to them that I’m still new to this myself, but my understanding of our positions in a marriage is that, you know you’re in it for the long haul, so you always try hard to be nice to each other and as good to one another as possible, because you know that you have a LONG way to go.

#1 Money Troubles
#2 Temptation
#3 Social Pressure

We have a long way to go. . .

Stay tuned to see how it goes.
*Going to attempt a new video sometime in the near future. I know, I know, I always promise that. And EVENTUALLY, I always get around to it.
You guys wanna meet my mate?

As always:

Follow me on Twitter: @kalanilei (your ex-girlfriend)

Friend me on FB: /lolita.ventura1 (yoer ex gurlfrend)

Watch Me on YouTube: @kalanilei (Highlights from My Life)

Until next time…

Thanks for reading!
And to all my subscribers, you are amazing! Thanks for following me through all my relationships adventures! Hope it has been an entertaining and exciting ride.
Aloha!

NEW

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I’m back!

It’s been a while, I’ve been neglecting my blog and all of my follower/readers and I apologize! Those of you that have been keeping up with me on Twitter or Facebook have all of your updates and know of all the changes as they’ve taken place, the rest of you will have to read on. . .

In my previous posts I met a “nice guy”, things since then have been so hectic and overwhelming and fleeting that I have had no time to write a blog about the “nice guy” I met and how that scenerio played out.
Rough draft version:

He was nice, and a lot of fun to be around. He was honest and communicative, interesting and intelligent, supportive and caring, hard-working and generous, compassionate and understanding, and chivalrous… Everything a woman could want, right?

We went on a few dates, that were all really great, I loved spending time with him and couldn’t wait for the next time I got to be with him. After two months we decided to make the relationship official (by giving it a title! I don’t know what you all are thinking).
Meanwhile, in other areas of my life there is a war raging on. A war involving egos, money, connections, families, friends, enemies, and a very valuable prize to be won in the center of it all.
This turmoil was more than I could ever ask a new aquaintance to be involved in on any more than an emotionally supportive level, but he was all too eager… My defenses flared up.
We know about my trust issues, and I couldn’t help but wonder what all girls with scars would wonder “Why is he so nice? What does he want from me? What’s his angle?”

With everyone in the past I could see clearly through them, their intentions were selfish and destructive. I would get involved with these boys assuming I was in full control because my eyes were open, despite that it would still end, inevitably, in disaster.

I don’t know what it was that made me drop my guard with this one. What made me consider the fear, but journey past it without hesitation or guard, but I did. Something different, almost impossible to explain other than, it just felt right.

From the moment we met there was an extremely comfortable chemistry, the feels-like-I’ve-known-him-all-my-life chemistry.
Within 6 months we were living together and planning our future together.
TOO SOON!
I know you are all thinking it, because I was too. But it’s been said to cliche’ that “when it feels right, it just feels right”. I knew I could see myself with this person well into the future, finally a man had come along that met my standards, but did I meet his?
During the time I got to call myself his girlfriend, it felt like a priviledge, but how long would that last?

In the beginning he was honest, interesting, supportive, generous, chivalrous… And he’s STILL all of those things, and that is why I now have the priviledge of calling myself his WIFE!

That’s right folks!
We did it. We tied the knot, jumped the broom, drank from the same goblet, got hitched, confirmed our relationship…etc However you wanna put it, we did it!

Tiny Handcuffs

Tiny Handcuffs

Your tragic, and dramatic “ex girlfriend” is now your naive, and bewilderded “new wife”.
On a very different journey with new characters and new direction, the adventures will be dramatically different from here.

My take on relationships will be given from a new perspective and predominantly focused on married life, which I’m guessing (based on the honeymoon phase) will be interesting to say the least.
There will still be the occasional human interest piece or conversation topic, but I am no longer on the “Yellow Brick Road”, I’ve seen the man behind the curtain and this is it! So now I’m following the “Red Brick Road”.
But where does it go?
There is a long and mysterious path layed ahead and I’m about to find out, so please STAY TUNED to see where this new road leads me.
The new adventure will be: Marriage – In Reality

*and feel free to conduct your own personal betting pool on how long the marriage will last… You’re gonna do it anyway.
Challenge excepted!

Follow Me! Twitter

Let’s Be Friends! Facebook

Watch This! YouTube

and now on IG as Your__ex_girlfriend

Live. Learn. . . Love

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It’s been awhile…
So much has restricted me in the past months, so much has emotionally overwhelmed me and incapacitated my ability to communicate. Much, if not all, of that has had to do with love…

This story is not all good, I’m not sure any truth could prevail in such a story, this story is the rough draft version of love and loss…
Throughout this blogging adventure I have been found in love, infatuated, insipid, irresponsible, ignorant and alone. Now, I am a new mother for the second time on a journey of suffering, self-awareness, security, and success.

In a recent, previous blog I mentioned a young man I had been having an irresponsible affair with that lead to an unexpected pregnancy and an even more unexpected tragedy of circumstances.
Since that time, that relationship has lead to the loss of my new infant son at the hand of his selfish, shameful, ignorant “father”… everyday I fight to the death to salvage whatever connection I possibly can with my infant son. Alone and desperately I have fought this demon and this tragedy, alone until now…

A few months ago I met a “nice guy”.
This was a perplexing challenge in my life up til now, a challenge I have, as far as I can tell, always lost in the past. But I met this guy and he broke the mold. He came into my life at one of the lowest points I have ever faced, he took me into his life and into his heart and relieved so much of my emotional burden and pain. This guy is like a miracle (or a living lie, for the longest time I couldn’t decide). This “nice guy” changed my mind about “every guy” by making me realize that they are NOT all the same. This “nice guy” REALLY IS a NICE GUY.
This nice guy, changed my life.
This nice guy is good to me in every way, and I am finally appreciated and encouraged instead of used and suppressed.
This nice guy showed me that I actually am worthy of love and released my fear and shame.
In his eyes I am beautiful, and strong, and creative, and kind, I am smart and loving, I am talented and have a really nice ass…. heehee just kidding…but not really, he loves my ass ;P
Through his perception, I am able to see that my goodness and strength is not lost upon the world of selfish drones. I am appreciated by at least one. I am loved and admired for being myself. I am seen for the person I really am, and not for the image they want me to be. He sees through the rumors, he lives above the lies.
In his arms I am as strong as he believes that I am.
In his eyes I am as beautiful as he sees that I am.
I have never been so in love with a man.

I am healing from the heartache of losing my loved one, but with his love, I am also growing stronger in my ability to push forward and fight. With him in my corner I believe, I feel, I can do anything. I feel I can win.
I am stronger and smarter through the love of him.

This is not a happy ending.
The journey doesn’t end here.
This is a happy beginning. This story is an introduction to a new person, a third layer, an older, wiser, more confident, more secure, more able person.

I met a nice guy…. and this nice guy saved me from what could have been the end…
This is the beginning.
A new woman, a new mother, a new designer, and soon… a new wife ;)

Stay Tuned. . .

Testing…

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Am I ready?

Once again I find myself at a test point of education and experience.  Once again I have to find out if I’ve learned anything from my new set of tribulations.  Have I?

Am I finally any different from the blind, abandoned, loveless adolescent that started on this journey of self-discovery and adulthood so long ago?  Has experience with life, ego and heartache taught me anything yet?

If life is a lesson in perception and self-preservation…. Have I learned to perceive?  To preserve?

Do I know what I want or what I’m worthy of?  Is it the same?

 

None of these questions will be answered in this blog.  I wish it were that easy.  All I can hope to do in this process, is sort out a few things mentally as I attempt to sort them linguistically.

 

Recently, I met a man.  We’ve been seeing eachother for about a month and have been on around four dates.  So far he is a seemingly “nice guy“…. am I ready for this test?

In my previous blog, I entertained the differences (of my personal perception) between “nice guys” and “bad boys”…  In my previous experiences, I’ve entertained relationships with nothing but Bad Boys, at the cost of rejecting anything that showed signs of being a nice guy.  I was young and feral, and careless with me.  As I have aged and lived, I have learned that I am, or at the very least want to be, worthy of sharing a life with a Nice Guy.  This, for me, means overcoming any anxiety or fear attached to my being undeserving of good and my ability to disrupt or destroy that fragile good soul, as I fear I have done with so many in the past.

*Let me stop here and say that, for that, I apologize.  I never consciencely intended to hurt anyone, more subconsciencely intended to hurt myself.  An emotional and moral worth set for me by those that came before you.  This late and impersonal apology can in no way make up for the confusion, frustration and heartache that I may have or must have caused you, but I sincerely wish I could undo any damage caused to you or the women that followed in my wake of emotional destruction passed through you.

Now, I once again find myself presented with a package of Nice Guy….but do I trust it?  Or destroy it?  In my own attempts at rationalizing the events of my existence and interaction with others, I have concluded that my expulsion of good from my life is some attempt to preserve it, to save it from me, from the subconscience damage I am capable of.  Can anyone tell me if that sounds like reason?  Or probably just a rational excuse… I’m confused.

Nonetheless, I am at present, presented with the facade of a “nice guy” and I am not quite sure if I am capable of knowing if he is real or if I am ready.  This story holds an octagon of angles… He likes me.  Is it real?  Do I like him?   Can I trust it?   It’s complicated.   Is that why he likes it?   Is that why I do?  Is there even a point with no future?

Or

Are all of these issues just an elaborate excuse to avoid intimacy?

There are obviously more questions than answers in this complicated conundrum.  I guess I will have to keep moving forward,  pick a path and walk it until I reach an answer.  When that answer becomes clear to me…. I will get back to you.  So until that time, we will leave this:

 

To be continued . . .

 

In the meantime…  Keep up with the drama at:

Twitter @kalanilei

Facebook Yoer eX gurlfrend

YouTube Dating In Reality