Testing…

Am I ready?

Once again I find myself at a test point of education and experience.  Once again I have to find out if I’ve learned anything from my new set of tribulations.  Have I?

Am I finally any different from the blind, abandoned, loveless adolescent that started on this journey of self-discovery and adulthood so long ago?  Has experience with life, ego and heartache taught me anything yet?

If life is a lesson in perception and self-preservation…. Have I learned to perceive?  To preserve?

Do I know what I want or what I’m worthy of?  Is it the same?

 

None of these questions will be answered in this blog.  I wish it were that easy.  All I can hope to do in this process, is sort out a few things mentally as I attempt to sort them linguistically.

 

Recently, I met a man.  We’ve been seeing eachother for about a month and have been on around four dates.  So far he is a seemingly “nice guy“…. am I ready for this test?

In my previous blog, I entertained the differences (of my personal perception) between “nice guys” and “bad boys”…  In my previous experiences, I’ve entertained relationships with nothing but Bad Boys, at the cost of rejecting anything that showed signs of being a nice guy.  I was young and feral, and careless with me.  As I have aged and lived, I have learned that I am, or at the very least want to be, worthy of sharing a life with a Nice Guy.  This, for me, means overcoming any anxiety or fear attached to my being undeserving of good and my ability to disrupt or destroy that fragile good soul, as I fear I have done with so many in the past.

*Let me stop here and say that, for that, I apologize.  I never consciencely intended to hurt anyone, more subconsciencely intended to hurt myself.  An emotional and moral worth set for me by those that came before you.  This late and impersonal apology can in no way make up for the confusion, frustration and heartache that I may have or must have caused you, but I sincerely wish I could undo any damage caused to you or the women that followed in my wake of emotional destruction passed through you.

Now, I once again find myself presented with a package of Nice Guy….but do I trust it?  Or destroy it?  In my own attempts at rationalizing the events of my existence and interaction with others, I have concluded that my expulsion of good from my life is some attempt to preserve it, to save it from me, from the subconscience damage I am capable of.  Can anyone tell me if that sounds like reason?  Or probably just a rational excuse… I’m confused.

Nonetheless, I am at present, presented with the facade of a “nice guy” and I am not quite sure if I am capable of knowing if he is real or if I am ready.  This story holds an octagon of angles… He likes me.  Is it real?  Do I like him?   Can I trust it?   It’s complicated.   Is that why he likes it?   Is that why I do?  Is there even a point with no future?

Or

Are all of these issues just an elaborate excuse to avoid intimacy?

There are obviously more questions than answers in this complicated conundrum.  I guess I will have to keep moving forward,  pick a path and walk it until I reach an answer.  When that answer becomes clear to me…. I will get back to you.  So until that time, we will leave this:

 

To be continued . . .

 

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Did I Say That?

Did I really type out in a previous blog, the phrase “What can go wrong?”?!?  A blog mainly focused on a relationship of nothing  more or less than “Fun & Games”, assuming no victims…

Well… I guess I brought this luck upon on myself then!

Allow me to present myself as the poster-child for irresponsible, ignorant consequence of a ”fun” relationship.

That was a little over a year ago today, and today, I find myself 8 months pregnant with my boy-toy nowhere to be found.

Yep, I brought this on myself.  Over-confident in my ability to “have my cake and eat it too”, to control the outcome of a partnership between two humans based in chaos and selfishness and some amount of co-dependence, but not on responsibility or loyalty or even self-respect (on either part).

It was a way to let go, to escape, to indulge…  It was a hedonistic relationship that ended, tragically, with permanent, unavoidable, responsible, unindulgent results… But, seemingly, only for me.

So, I have only myself to blame and I have only myself to rely on in raising this child of hedonism, of irresponsibility, of pleasure, of shame, this “love” child. 

This is not the storybook or movie version of romance at its most unrealistic dream state.  This is the weapon of mass destruction that is emotional human interaction at its raw, uncontrolled core.  This is reality… ugly and sad and tragic and stupid and irresponsible, but this is real and this is really how flawed we are, we all are, not in the same ways but on the same scale of human error and emotional miscalculations leading to undesirable and often permanent consequences…

But this is Dating, in Reality.

And this is me in reality, vulnerable and exposed, ignorant and ashamed, and very knocked up with a very important lesson in my life.  It’s only fun & games IF no one gets hurt, and I have a lot of work to do to ensure my “love” child growing up with an absent father will not result in pain, emptiness, or shame on his/her part.  I have to love myself even more and be fulfilled with the love of my children in order to love them enough for two in hopes to keep them from  becoming a second victim of the same mistake.

 

So there it is, and here I am, your personal eX-girlfriend…now your soon-to-be Baby Mama ;P

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Thanks for reading….

Giving In… Giving Up

Unfortunately, I have recently allowed pressure, stress, judgement, abandonment and isolation to become more than I am capable of handling…

I took the load without any aid, despite the warning signs, because I listened to the voices of “friends” regurgitating cliche’s at me “you can do it”, “you are strong”, “you have no choice, you have to push forward”…etc   Without actually listening to me or choosing to see the warning within me and notice I was drowning.

I allowed myself to become overwhelmed to the point of unraveling and nearly losing myself and my way…

Finally, it took a stranger to listen to me (actually LISTEN) and choose to see the light of my soul flickering and fading away. …

It was NOT a “friend”, but a complete stranger who decided to see that I was drowning and chose to reach out a hand to save my life.

But that is the level of friends I have here… Or anywhere. This is what they allow to happen to me while they just watch, entertained, grateful it’s not them with so many excuses and so many lies.  Including the ones I’ve dropped everything in the past to assist or save.

May they all rot in Hell.

I have just spent a week on doctor ordered rest & recovery in effort to reduce my stress and piece myself back together.

I am okay for now and feel that I am going to be okay, but this crisis has taught me to hold tight to the observation that everyone we surround ourselves with, every person who is eager to be there in good times, every aquaintance that makes promises, all (if any) of these people are NOT our friends.

As far as cliche’s, here’s one that rings true :

“WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE, WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?!”

*just a thought*

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The Age of Man?

At what age does a boy chronologically become a man?

Despite life experience, maturity or responsibility.  If none of it ever catches up to him, when does society look at a male and see a man instead of a boy?

 

Although there have been males at age 22 who have been known to hold successful stable careers, own homes, be happily and loyaly married and be responsible, active fathers.  There have likewise been many more instances of 40 year old males being completely helpless, hopeless, useless f#@k -ups.

But no one is going to look at a 40 year old male (no matter how immature) and see a boy, just a very pathetic man.  Equally, not many would look at a 22 year old male and immediately see man.  Obviously, there are details that change the opinion of society along the way somewhere between 25 and 35, but strictly chronologically…

Where Does The Line Get Blurred?

At what age does it become appropriate to encourage, and at some point if necessary inforce, the rules of responsibility on the males of society?  When is it appropriate to cut off the coddling of children and expect independant and responsible results of men?  When do the excuses stop?

Where is the line between “growing up” and grown-up?

 

 

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So What?

Another oldie but goodie blast from the past…. 

I actually A’ced an English final with this one.  Enjoy:

He never loved her.

At times he may have wanted to, but he was emotionally tied and numb from past experience.   Experiences too late in his life to learn and grow from.

So he exists. . .

Loved by her, accepted by her, wanted by her…rejecting her.

She always loved him.

At times she may not have wanted to, but she was emotionally tied and emancipated from past experience.   Experiences beginning early in her life that she has learned and grown from.

And so she exists. . .

Loving him, accepting him, wanting him… rejected by him.

Good Guys vs. Bad Boys

Why do good girls go for “bad boys”?
Do good girls always go for “bad boys”? Or do naive girls fall for assholes disguised as “good guys”?

Years ago I met a man, who at first and second glance was not noteworthy in any way.
In fact, I found him semi-creepy and kind of wierd…
However, after spending a significant amount of time working together, we seemed to developed a funny kind of friendly bond, which in time inevitably developed into
a mutual crush. At which point I got very strong signals from this man (I’ll call DJ) that he had interest in taking the relationship further, (how much further? I couldnt determine to be noble)
and I chose to protect my best interest and turn him away. He didnt respond well to my rejection and unfortunately our work relationship, and subsequently our friendsip,
suffered because of it.
Shortly thereafter, we parted ways and life continued moving forward.
A few years later I got a phone call, it was DJ, he was back in town and wanted to meet for drinks…
I was anxious but excited to hear from him and agreed to meet (as I was in a better place in my life and was hoping to rekindle our original friendship).

The first encounter was strange and uneasy, it was like meeting a stranger. I kept looking into his eyes and trying to find that person I used to know…it took awhile.
After that encounter it was a while again before we were in contact again. Im not even sure how it happened, slowly but surely we rekindled that friendship and were
right back to where we were in our peak. It was awesome, I was so happy and he seemed to be equally as excited with our time together, as he would invite me to be in his
company more and more often. There was something different about him, something happier and healthier, almost more hopeful. After a few weeks we became what seemed like inseperable
(bordering codependant lol)
If we werent together, we were texting all throughout the day. I wondered how he got any work done.
But I was different too, happier in my own right, but also more confident, more vulnerable. I trusted him, I allowed myself to give in to him and everything we were together.
I gave myself to him in every way, mind, body and soul. I felt safe in this, something I hadn’t felt in years. Life was good…..until
After about a week of our intimate relationship he started pulling away. He suddenly wasnt the same man I had come to trust. He was distant and unemotional.
When I questioned his emotional shift he simply stated that he was “confused”.
I felt that that was an appropriate time to pull away myself. I explained to him that I didn’t want to be a factor in his confusion (assuming I had become an option)
and told him we needed to cut our communication until he figured things out.
I didn’t hear from him again.

About two weeks later, however, I was approached by a woman who claimed that they had been seeing eachother for over a month and demanded to know if I had been having
a physical affair with him within that time.

Needless to say, I was crushed, but not for long. It was a quick lesson to have learned and I dust it all off and move forward.
Not without emotional consequence, obviously. With every deceipt, lie, or heartache comes a thicker layer of skin, a harder piece of armour, a taller brick to the already
impossibly high wall for the next person to climb. And with every layer and brick and shield, you somehow become more of a challenge, more of a target to those with selfish
or cruel intentions. Making it even harder to trust, more impossible to love.

So why do good girls go for bad boys?

Because a “good guy” is very likely an asshole wrapped in deciept.
Because assholes will disguise themselves as good guys to get what they want.

Because a bad boy is obviously an asshole wrapped in asshole.
Because with a bad boy, we know what we’re getting.
Because with a bad boy, we have a fighting chance to hold on to our souls…

But that’s just my opinion.

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Reluctant Date

This is kind of a blast from the past, one of my original adventures in dating, but enjoy the ride…

Ok,I dont know if I can repeat this with the same clever humor that Lanakila found in my telephone version, but here’s the story:

Friday night I was at a “friend’s” bachlorette party, after not going out socially for nearly 2 years I was excited and enjoying my evening so much that I was completely misrepresenting my actual life. The end of the evening landed us all at a club that hosts a male revue, by the end of the night I had given out my number to one (or more) of the exotic dancers Drunken mistake, I was caught up in the excitement. One boy calls me before we make it out of the club, I assumed he was checking the validity of the number and possibly expecting some after-hours action , the conversation was brief, he assured me he would call me the next day….

The Date:

He called the next morning, I ignored the call, hoping he would go away. He called again that evening, this time I answered, trying to be a straightforward person and turn him away. I explained to him that I had made a drunken mistake, Im not interested in sleeping with him and I am a single-mother in my real life…he explained that he did not drink, he did not mind and that he wanted to come over and have a face-to-face in the sober light of day… against my better intinct I let him come.

The 24 yr old, aspiring singer/American Idol reject (we’ll call him “Rico”) walks into my home, stands up on my couch to view pictures on the wall, sits down and immediatly begins to talk about himself and his aspirations as a singer. The boy then began assaulting me with his pitchy singing voice and explaining to me how great it is and pointing out his range…

Im pretty sure I sat expressionless throughout this “audition”.

I asked him if he had tryed out for A.I. to which he stated abruptly that he did not wish to discuss it and immediatly gave me every detail about the process down to the judges comments:

Randy: “…your voice is bizarre…” Simon “…you should probably pursue a career as a female impersonator…”. To which he assumed that he must not have made it because of his hair.

He also felt the need to talk about his job as a male stripper and explain how he feels about it, how that’s not really him, and he doesn’t enjoy being stereotyped. “Rico”, then proceeded to give me (and my 8month old daughter) a mock-strip performance in my living room complete with self-produced sound effect from the Troy soundtrack, intructions for dramatic effect, body rubs, and transition into Genuine’s: The Bachelor Album.

He than, went out to his car to bring in his CD demo and continue to assault my ears with what the A.I. judges had to have removed from the building. The CD included songs he had written that I couldnt tell if the songs were so horrible, if it was just his voice, or both. (probably both)

After this interesting evening completely lacking in any chemistry, “Rico” has to go do a show. I eagerly walk him to the door where he asks me what my plans are for the following day, to which I boringly replyed that I would be running errands with my child. He then invites himself along on this endevour and lets me know he would call me again.

And even though I was doing my best attempt to turn him off as I hadn’t showered for his arrival, hadnt washed my hair since the day before the party and was dressed in dirty pants (compliments of my 8 month old), an oversized, ripped, stained T-shirt and was just WAITING for him to leave since the moment he arrived, he must’ve thought that those were all of the right signals to provoke a good ass-grope on the way out the door.

Now, dispite his ignorance about his A.I. rejection and being completely tone-deaf, I was still hoping there was a chance that he would get the point and eff-off.

He called me at 7:30 the next morning.

I am follow that original instinct now.

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Remember, to find out more about me and my adventures with Dating in Reality, find me on YouTube or Twitter under KalaniLei…

I promise I will get a new video up on the YouTube channel ASAP!

STAY TUNED!! . . . .