Nope. . . .
Marriage is not a utopian bliss.
No relationship is realistically a utopian bliss, not even the relationship we have with ourselves, so stop looking for it!
Those dirty clothes your partner leaves on the bathroom floor, everyday, without any regard for you whatsoever…
Those plans your mate is just not capable of making on their own…
That door your spouse does not know how to close behind them…
These things will NEVER change!
Well, never is harsh, they might, with work and will and respect for your partners.
We all tend to get a little (or a lot) selfish in our relationships at times, but we must take inventory occasionally of how much we are pouring in to the relationship, how much we are giving back to our partner.
Are you just a giant child who feels entitled to be a self-centered, emotionally-unstable brat and that your partner should just deal with it and love you anyway, because again, you’re entitled to it?
Are you a dedicated business person who offloads all personal responsibilities onto your spouse, including housekeeping, bill paying, child rearing, and even coordinating recreational activities?
What, then, are you giving to the relationship?
What do you have to offer?
How are you a desirable person to date?
How are you pulling your own weight?
In what ways are you proving yourself a PARTNER? Partner.
Relationships ARE 50/50!
That is a delicate balance that can NEVER be thrown off if you are truly serious about having a good relationship work.
It’s okay to give and take a little now and then, when the circumstances legitimately warrant it, but you do not get to be a giant brat and shut down, or act out, or fail to communicate effectively, in place of games and tests.
Your spouse is NOT your parents!
You are no longer a child. Grow Up!
If you weren’t raised sufficiently and still need a mom or dad, you are NOT READY for a relationship. Work on yourself.
Honestly, work on yourself, raise yourself.
If you are over 24, then you should have the ability to see the world for yourself, you shouldn’t need mommy and daddy showing you the way anymore.
That lack of maturity does NOT make you desirable. Work on yourself BEFORE you even think of dating or reproducing.
It is a much slower and more difficult task to try and grow up with burdens and distractions pulling you down.
And here’s the trick: ready? . . .
FOCUS ON YOUR FLAWS.
I know, you probably spend every ounce of energy in your existence avoiding this painful realization.
But, without being able to see what’s wrong, you will never be able to fix it, you’ll remain ignorant and confused. And faking only gets you so far… You’ve probably come to learn at least that much.
If you want to stop being that person who gets the guy/girl, only to have that person wrestle from your unwanted grasp 6 months later, leaving you heartbroken, self-loathing, angry, and confused. . .
Focus on your flaws. On YOUR flaws.
That’s the ticket.
Don’t worry about what your partner is doing wrong, (let them read this too! ) because relationships are balance. And if your other half is off, chances are, it’s because you are too.
If they are pulling away or becoming distant:
Are you bitchy or negative or becoming an emotionally needy burden?
If there are issues in your lives, try approaching them with the silver lining first. “You’re either part of the solution or part of the problem.”
How do you want your partner to see you?
If they are emotionally needy or bitchy:
Are you distracted or distant? Are you bottling resentment or just failing to communicate with your partner?
A relationship IS a company. You are running a business, the very difficult business of producing an incredibly addictive and potentially dangerous drug called Love.
You are the company CEO and your partner is your co-chair.
Each of you has an important job to do to keep the company running smooth.
First things first, who are you in business with? Is this person capable of running a company head to head with you?
Are they responsible, smart, caring, generous? Trustworthy?
Are they immature, ignorant, selfish, greedy?
You should be smart about who you go into business with. The partner you choose will be someone you expect to share everything with.
Be very discerning in the partner you choose.
If you take anyone who will have you, and pour every ounce of yourself into them, losing yourself along the way, because of loneliness and desperation, and hope that if you bleed yourself dry for them it will work out:
What do you, realistically, think is actually going to happen?
You are not a desirable person to date.
You are a human house-pet.
Do your job, pull your weight, but do make sure you’re not pulling theirs too.
None will have respect for you if you don’t respect yourself. You offer an example of what’s allowed by allowing it. If you are allowing yourself to be a doormat, to be disrespected by your mate… Why? They’re doing it, because THEY CAN.
Get out and work on yourself.
Don’t blame them for being what they are, let yourself learn your worth.
You can only change yourself. Focus on that.
AND DON’T GO BACK! DO NOT GO BACK.
All this shows is that you are not any smarter or stronger, that you just needed a timeout.
People that use you, will never change, they will only find someone else to use if not you.
And no matter the “punishment”, you are only actually teaching them, by taking them back, that they can get away with it. That it’s okay.
Don’t be desperate. Don’t go back!
DON’T BE DESPERATE.
It makes you undesirable and attracts users who see they can take advantage of your weakness.
And, we’ve all been there at least once (or twice) whether or not we care to admit it.
Relationships take work.
Being good at anything takes learning, training, practice. And work.
Work on ourselves.
Don’t put that burden on a potential partner, it will be your demise.
And if you jump from relationship to relationship just because the people are “hot” or easy or come with benefits, and you hope it will work out for you:
You are hopeless and self-centered. You need to stay single.
Don’t be a predator. Work on yourself.
And the most important secret:
That doesn’t mean bitch & nag or smother & stalk.
Be a person desirable to date.
Give them distance, that comes ONLY with the condition of RESPECT.
And if they violate that condition, don’t take away your trust, be prepared to take away YOURSELF.
Have trust or don’t have a relationship with a person you don’t think you can trust. They’re not the one. No matter how hot they are. No matter the benefits. Move on.
When you get close to someone, you learn more about their character, their beliefs, their flaws. And they, yours.
Maybe you begin to realize that you are not compatible with the person you’ve gotten to know… LET THEM KNOW.
Don’t be selfish and try to snake away, be a respectable person. Tell the truth!
People CAN handle being dumped, just have tact.
You are absolutely entitled to your feelings, but BE HONEST.
You know when you’re being lied to, you’re left stabbed in the heart and confused. We all do.
Give closure. Take responsibility.
And above all, DON’T GO BACK.
It is NEVER okay to use someone as an emotional filler. Especially someone you know is vulnerable and therefore weak. Suck it up. Real control, is self-control. Work on yourself.
*Or see paragraph above about relationship jumping.
And that’s all, folks.
That’s what I’ve learned so far. It took a lifetime to adjust my eyes to see the path, but now it is so clear.
This is no magic formula guaranteed to work, but they are resources I’ve gathered as I’ve passed previous levels.
Marriage is not when life gets easy and relationships are perfect (or vice versa).
Relationships are a factory, producing LOVE. Don’t neglect your factory or your business. Nobody gets to be selfish and have it all, that does not make you a desirable person to do business with. Work on yourself.
Or stay single. . . Whichever.
But, stay tuned. . . .
Is This “happily ever after”?
Not so far, no.
Happy, yes. Problem-free, nope.
Relationships are a human experience, even marriage. People aren’t perfect, and they aren’t going to be. Them or you, him or me.
But, that’s okay.
Everything you are, makes you who you are. The good and the ugly, the right and the bad. We are comprised of balance.
I will catch him when he falls and help him back on his feet, because I trust that he will do the same for me.
As long as we have the same goal in mind, the same destination ahead, and we are going there hand-in-hand.
I believe in my partner… Everything that he is.
You are not a perfect person, you will never have a perfect relationship.
Stop looking for it.
Just make sure it’s good, and embrace what it is.
“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history, it becomes more beautiful.”