Release

I wish I could speak to an, unfortunately, delusional individual…

Dealing with a person in a state of emotional and psychological delusion is the most frustrating and discouraging thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.
There is no option of actual communication.  There is no chance that this type of person has the capacity to understand or even be able to hear statements that they are not personally comfortable with hearing…. Where does that leave me?  Just walking away from any and all contact or communication with that person, right?  Not if they are also uncultured, uneducated, and out-of-control.  Granted, that if a person has no ability to ration, understand, or communicate that those previous characteristics are probably an obvious set of  personality defects.

Well, for the last 3yrs I have been both vicariously and directly dealing with just such a person.

By only fault of my own, I know.  Because of my decision to stay in a type of relationship with the only person associating me to this mental case.  Yes, I have chosen for 3 years too long, to be a victim of a ghetto, dramatic relationship with a man unworthy of my attention, let alone my affection.
On the surface, no-one who comes into contact with me, or even those that know me well, would think that I would allow myself to be involved with such low-life chaos.  Unfortunately, my heart is weak for the broken and the broken are exactly who carry-on the ghetto baggage!  Not to leave it at that, the sex was also a huge factor.
No pun intended, “it” was not huge, it was average at best (considering his ethnic make-up, if that takes any accurate account)  but it was a force that kept me addicted and fighting my own better judgement for over 3 years!
Sex with this man was unlike any other experience I’ve had in the 12 years I’ve been acquiring experience in the department, I fantasize about the sex we have already had, and the last few times were even better than ever before. I don’t know what makes it so good…

At first, I would spend time with him, because he reminded me of a younger version of myself and made me feel like a better version of that person again…lately, I have only kept him as a character in my life in anticipation of the next sexual experience between myself and this man.
For those of you that have not had the luxury of reading the previous blogs in this series (that I was unable to transfer from Yahoo! blogs), the man I speak about in this addition is none other than the previously mentioned “eX”.

I cannot speak for myself and give excuses as to my shameful addiction, but as to what made me break the cycle?… Read on:

Lately, the sex has been much less frequent and my attachment to “eX” has been much less dependent, but the harassment from his “baby mama” has been just as obnoxious as always.  And somehow in the fading physical dependency for the sex with “eX”, the vicarious relationship between myself and the “bm” has suddenly become an unnecessary inconvenience.
And so, in the past few days of “eX”s babies mother calling, texting and harassing me, I have decided that it will finally be for the last time.  In my mind, if he was worth any of me, than he would have protected all of me from the constant harassment from his “bm” that he has inadvertently subjected me to all these years.
But I have to take responsibility for myself and my future and doing that means closing myself off from these people, mainly “eX”, the source of every bit of tragedy and drama that has passed through my life over the past 3 years.

The insecure, unattractive, uneducated, mentally unstable baby mama might think, that by me cutting my “eX” off and removing myself from his world, that she’s won and you know what….she can.
Because they deserve each other in every way. They are perfectly matched to one another, and I am better than they will ever be. I have been lowering myself to slum with him and have cheap meaningless sexual experiences the likes that I could have picked up at any upscale martini bar in Miami or Oakland.

Something like Love Potion #9 has had control over me for over 3 years and due to my time away from the source, I have been released from its intoxicating grip.
Suddenly I see my life and my future in front of me and now I am aware that it can never be what it is capable of being with “eX” and his drama involved with me.

“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. So ask yourself, how does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.” – Source Unknown

 

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2nd Impression

It’s Saturday morning…or well, afternoon (11:50am) and I am eating my breakfast biscuit and stirring over an *error in my evening last night…

A long, long time ago, when I was in the 6th grade, I had a crush on a cute boy that I will refer to as “MJ” (having nothing to do with Micheal Jackson).  A few months ago, I found after moving to this dead-end country town, that he was one of a very few people I knew that have moved here as well over the years.  At the time that we reconnected via our social network, he was in a failing relationship (but a relationship nonetheless) and I was settling into my traumatic transition to this hick-hole of a city.  Needless to say, we didn’t communicate much other than online updates to say hi, brief updates on life, and much-needed local insight on potential careers in this town.

Within the past few months, things have shifted for the both of us and we recently found an opportunity to get together and catch-up in person.

After spending, what accidentally ended up being, 3 hours on the phone two nights ago, “MJ” made plans with me to go out the following night, which was last night…

It was so strange, seeing this person I used to know so long ago, but it not really being him.  Obviously, a 12yr old kid was not going to show up at the door, but it was like meeting a new person all over again. 

“MJ” was a little late, unlike “26” who arrived on the minute, but not so late that I was upset, just enough to make me wonder where he was at.  He came to the door like a gentleman and did all of the chivalrous things of the old school.  There was even a bottle of chardonnay waiting in the car.  “MJ” invited me back to his place for pre-date drinks.  Being as early in the evening as it was, I agreed and we get to his kitchen only to find that he has no wine key!  …. What do you think we had to do?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4KG3e5Uy3o

After a quick drink and some meaningful catching up, we hurried off to eat at Ink.  Now, this place is hard to describe…or really easy actually: It’s a bar/club/diner built onto the property of a tattoo shop.  The music is pumpin, so it’s kinda loud (this is no place for a nice, quiet, romantic date).  There is a wait on Friday nights, I’m not sure about any other day, our wait was around half an hour.  -The bar was jammed and the front was crowded (and cold), so we took a quick trip to the liquor store and grabbed a 6-pack to keep us busy while we waited in the car out front.-  Considering the atmosphere, the food is really good!  There is a good mix of options on the menu and everything is around $10 ala cart, so you can mix it up.  I had the truffle mac & cheese w/ kielbasa, which appeared to be the house specialty dish because it was on almost every table, “MJ” had one of his regular favorites, the chicken tacos w/ fries.  {There is only one toilet room per sex, which I thought was absurd considering the volume.}  But we ate great food and made it out of there just after midnight and aimed for a nightclub/lounge down the street…

The next stop on our evening was called Parlare (and there is some debate on how it’s pronounced).  There were no major issues with the evening up until that point and it seemed that we were both enjoying each others company and really flawlessly interacting as though we have been the greatest of friends throughout all these years.  It was a great, fun evening.  Until. . .

I get a call at almost 1am from “eX”!  At first, I didn’t answer, thinking he wouldn’t call again and I would call him back in the morning….unfortunately, he called another 3 times in a row! 

*-Ok, last week when I was out with “26” I got the midnight calls from “eX” as well and again, didn’t answer at first, but when he called repeatedly I picked up.  I immediately admitted that I was out, which seemed to upset him, so this time, I was in a seemingly quiet place and picked up with the intention to find out if it was important or otherwise convince him that I was in bed sleeping (where he obviously wants me to be).  This plan fell apart right away.  I guess I underestimated the level of noise on the street along with my cell phones ability to pick up that noise and once again, “eX” got upset!  Which obviously, upset me.  1: I HATE lying, because I feel horrible when I do and 2: “eX’ should have no emotional attachment to what I do with my own life, because it’s been 7 months since we ended our BS “relationship” and he assures me everyday (in some way or another) that we are never going to be together in the future.  So WHY then, does he get upset at the idea that someone else is interested in being apart of my future?!?-

Despite the upsetting phone call from “eX”, I enjoyed the Parlare and was shocked by the crowd!  It was predominately Asians in their early 20s!  I’ve been in Sacramento, Ca for months now and running into an asian person in Sacramento is like the equivalent of running across an african american in Hawai’i, not that you don’t, it’s just not common.  But wow, it’s like every young person of an asian background in the Sacramento area were all under the same roof!  And they were partying, and super trendy, and super friendly, and everyone so beautiful and so young, and drunk!…this place was great!  It reminded me of the more stylish end of Hawaii.  I guess “MJ” knew I’d feel at home 🙂

We were at the Parlare long enough to have one more drink and take in the sights (and ohhhh maan, were there sights to see).  After the club, we headed back to “MJ”s place to finish off the bottle of chardonnay and have some wind-down conversation over a movie.  We drank and talked until I noticed that it was now 4 in the morning and insisted on getting home before I passed out on someone else’s couch!

Overall, I had a great time with “MJ”, it’s odd and amazing how the energy just flows.  I feel like we could be out together all night just taking in the same activities and not say one word to each other and I would still enjoy his company.  Strange.  Maybe it’s still just new, but “MJ” is a person I would like to spend another day with in the future.

I guess it’s time to really get this “eX” situation dealt with once and for all…and for good. . .

Stay Tuned. . .

“26”

Last Friday, I had a date with a boy I will, for now, refer to as “26”.

(Not for any reason other than that those are the numbers corresponding with his initials on my Qwerty pad)

 

We first met one month ago at the temporary job I just got fired from, he trained me to replace him (but forgot to leave me his facial hair and physique).  Upon meeting, I didn’t feel an instant swoon or anything, but within a few hours in his company, I have to admit, I began to develop a bit of a crush.  He’s young, he’s charming, he’s cultured, he’s witty and fun, he has interesting hobbies and talents, he’s educated and active, he’s handsome…what’s not to like?  There were only 3 days to spend together, as he was in his last week there, but by the 3rd day, I was picturing myself being his girlfriend.

Funny, I haven’t had a crush on someone like this in a very long time.  And this one has actually got his sh!t together!

He cleverly exchanged numbers with me and casually suggested that we do something sometime soon.  I didn’t make anything of his request, as I have had people throw this casual suggestion out at many occasions just in the heart of being sociable or polite.  But by the 3rd time he insisted on it, I began to believe him.

Now, as I mentioned, this guy has his sh!t together, and part of that sh!t is that he has recently been accepted into a very prestigious medical school here in town.  I understand that he has a lot of work to do in order to keep up with his program, so I didn’t really expect us to be doing anything together anytime soon. 

Somewhat unexpectedly though, the “stranger” recently decided that his sexual tension has built up far enough and that he can no longer handle the responsibility of doing the good deed of offering to share his home with me and has asked me to be out within a week.  This could almost not come soon enough, as I have been looking into other housing options for a few weeks now on account of his constant sexual harassment, though almost too soon it did in fact come, because he only gave me one week notice!   As I announced on my social network, my sudden plans to be leaving the area, I get a response from “26” insisting that we do go out and do something before I leave in a week.  *kinda swoon*

So, like a real man, “26” followed through and pursued the plan.  He communicated in advance, he made a plan, he called the day of to confirm, he was incredibly punctual in picking me up, and he had picked out some somewhat perfect spots to take me to and I had a perfect time.  The evening was great being in his company, the conversation seemed to flow effortlessly, the chemistry was so comfortable…  It was as though we were already dating. . .

But just as I got the warm and fuzzy feeling of being in an awesome relationship with this man, I also had the disappointing realization that I would most likely be leaving the state soon, at least for the summer, and that a relationship with “26” would probably not be realistic.

Nonetheless, I allowed myself to enjoy the evening and even found that come closing time, I did not want the night to end.  Obviously, “26” was thinking the same, because as he walked  me back to the car he charmingly offered me the option of opening a bottle of wine back at his place.  I accepted!

Normally, I would never accept an invitation back to a man’s home on a first (or third) date, but sometimes, when the chemistry is right, you just know it’s the right thing to do. 

We arrived at his place just after 2am and after being introduced to the dog, I made myself comfortable on the couch and he poured the wine….  We talked a little more, mostly about the charming decor of his apartment, then decided (based upon a movie poster in his livingroom) to watch the old classic movie Swingers.  At this point he cuddled comfortably on the couch beside me, which must have been a little too comfortable for us both, because next thing we knew it was morning!

Overall I’d say the date was nearly perfect, it is always a little awkward waking up next to a date from the night before (no matter the circumstances), especially when you both have things to do…  Regardless, I wish him the best and hope for myself for the best as well, and if all goes well and it is meant for me to be in this town, then maybe we will see each other again.

Stay Tuned…