Thank god for FB filters and headscarves

Some of you are aware of my health condition, but for those that don’t know…

12 years ago I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. This is an autoimmune disease that causes my thyroid to malfunction and, consequently, tricks my immune system into attacking itself.

Since my diagnosis, I’ve struggled with a growing list of health issues and slow/ premature deterioration. Four years ago I underwent surgery to have my thyroid removed and was put on a daily regiment of hormone replacements.
Unfortunately, my body is not happy and continues to be under attack by my immune system.

Three years ago, I was also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, which is another inflammatory autoimmune disease that tricks your muscular and nervous system to believe it’s under attack. This, I’m told (by my diagnosing physician) is a stress induced illness.

I’m sick.
I’m not dying, not yet. *Even though some days can feel that way.

But, I have been feeling guilt and shame for living with, and for the most part, hiding my failing health for this long.

Because of my shame, I didn’t know if I was really going to go public with this, but after speaking with a nurse yesterday and telling my story, she encouraged me to share my story. She hopes my “strength” and “courage” will inspire others, whether they’re suffering the same illness as I am, or struggling through something all the same.

So, here I am. Exposing myself and my failing health, but still here and still pushing through everyday, still hoping and searching for answers.

Over the past two year, I’ve been working closely, and regularly, with my primary care physician to try and get on top of creating some relief from my symptoms (as these conditions are not, yet, curable) I do everything I can to help myself, which includes conscious diet, physical activity, and mindful practice of control [controlling the things I can] and positivity, and yet my health continues to fail.

This past year, I have been struggling with hair loss.

Which, has been an ongoing issue since my original diagnosis, but has become worse in recent months. My first step was to stop straightening, coloring, bleaching, blow drying, braiding, etc… and for a short while I saw, what appeared to be, promise. Until, the last six months, which have had me covering my head in every dry shampoo, tinted hair spray, root lifter, thickening agent, and headscarf I could find, in attempt to conceal the rapid thinning.

Until… I washed my hair one day and realized, I don’t have enough hair left to hide it anymore.

That day, I started wrapping my hair more regularly and now, wrap it everytime I leave the house in order to cover the thin, patchy, balding.

°Truth be told, my eyebrows are also fake. I started getting them microbladed last year, due to hair loss and signs of failing health in that area also.°

This illness is Hell. It’s far more painful than just tumors and hair loss, it’s physically painful, frustrating, confusing, stressful, and isolating.

(I’ll include a list of my personal symptoms below, in order of most to least immediately troubling)

•They say “all bad things come in threes”. Indeed.
This is just part 1 and 2 of a three part health crisis.

Though this is all I’m willing to share, for now. . .

•~Thoughts and Prayers welcomed~•

*I wouldn’t turn down a wig either 😝

《Symptom List》

Chronic fatigue/exhaustion

Chronic back pain

Curled pained posture (inability to wear heels)

Muscle fatigue

General muscle stiffness

Hair loss! – lashes, brows, etc

*brittle, dry, thin, straight hair

Dry, brittle, breaking nails

Brain fog

Memory issues

Joint pain/inflammation

Arthritis (hands)

Depression

Sleep issues

Bladder issues (frequent urination)

Tension headaches

Temperature sensitivity

Circulatory issues – tingling/cold extr.

Caffeine/Alcohol sensitivity

Appetite inconsistency – low

Low/No libido

Vision issues (contact dry-pain)

Body dysmorphia

Muscular convulsive ep. (cold/stress)

*Hashimoto’s diagnosis*

Fibromyalgia diagnosis

*Anemic symptoms*

Callus feet

Tired heavy face – Dull complexion

Melasma

Frostbite winter face rash

Flushing histamine rash *torso

Crying

There is a common misconception that crying is a sign of weakness.

I do not agree with this belief.
I have come to understand that crying is an instigation of strength, that tears are encased with weakness and emotion.

Among the Marines, I have heard said that “pain is weakness leaving your body.”
I both agree and disagree.
It’s understood that the Marines are referring to physical pain, while I attribute [some] tears to emotional pain and believe that crying pulls that pain from our bodies and flushes it through tears.
If, in fact, we are feeling weak from emotional pain, an almost inevitable action that is provoked is: crying.
And if/when we allow ourselves the bravery to cry to completion, it’s almost always a feeling of relief that comes over us, and all that is left inside of us after that, is strength.

Over time I realize more and more how utterly useless and completely burdening I am to my own body. 
Our bodies are miracles of science, operating themselves without our control.  When it’s low on food energy it sets off hunger pains to signal us to fill the tank.  When it’s worn down it simulates muscle fatigue to provoke us to rest and recharge.
Our bodies are constantly setting off signals to communicate what it needs to survive and thrive. 
All we do is get in its way!

When we’re signaled to eat, we too often eat what we want instead of what our body needs.  When we’re signaled to sleep, it’s too often just long enough to fit into our schedule instead of by our bodies clock.
And when we’re signaled to process an experience or emotion, we far too often suppress it instead, or “rationalize” it to be more emotionally convenient for our egos.

And is this strength?  Neglecting our own physical being for the sake of control?

Personally, I don’t believe it is.

I’ve spent most of my life being neglected and being sick. . .
I’ve come to realize that the two are very much related. 
If you neglect your body, you will suffer consequences.
A human cannot live on candy and cola forever, and neither can we override necessary emotions for too long.  There are consequences to neglecting our health, and a very important part of our collective whole is our emotional health.

I went through my life not believing in tears, not respecting the power of a cleansing cry.  I can see, finally, that I was wrong. 
I thought myself strong for suppressing my tears (hell, all my emotions), but I now know that I was my own demise all along. I was never strong and I may not have been so broken, in so many ways, for so long if I had allowed myself to feel.
See, feeling doesn’t make you weak.
You have to feel the pain in order to let it out, and that takes bravery and strength!  It’s weaker to hide from that.

So, it might be true, pain is weakness leaving our body.
But, I believe that emotional weakness leaves through tears, until all you have left is strength.

If you take anything from what I’ve shared, take a secret. . .
A powerful, secret ability to let yourself feel, let yourself cry.
Do it in perfect privacy, if need be, and never let anyone know what you’ve done… But do it!  Do it for your own good, let your body heal. 

Be strong.

Thanks for reading and following along as I grow through life as a student and wife.  And a sincere thank you to all of you who’ve had roles in my life-lessons…

And oh, there’s more!
Stay Tuned! . . .

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Live. Learn. . . Love

It’s been awhile…
So much has restricted me in the past months, so much has emotionally overwhelmed me and incapacitated my ability to communicate. Much, if not all, of that has had to do with love…

This story is not all good, I’m not sure any truth could prevail in such a story, this story is the rough draft version of love and loss…
Throughout this blogging adventure I have been found in love, infatuated, insipid, irresponsible, ignorant and alone. Now, I am a new mother for the second time on a journey of suffering, self-awareness, security, and success.

In a recent, previous blog I mentioned a young man I had been having an irresponsible affair with that lead to an unexpected pregnancy and an even more unexpected tragedy of circumstances.
Since that time, that relationship has lead to the loss of my new infant son at the hand of his selfish, shameful, ignorant “father”… everyday I fight to the death to salvage whatever connection I possibly can with my infant son. Alone and desperately I have fought this demon and this tragedy, alone until now…

A few months ago I met a “nice guy”.
This was a perplexing challenge in my life up til now, a challenge I have, as far as I can tell, always lost in the past. But I met this guy and he broke the mold. He came into my life at one of the lowest points I have ever faced, he took me into his life and into his heart and relieved so much of my emotional burden and pain. This guy is like a miracle (or a living lie, for the longest time I couldn’t decide). This “nice guy” changed my mind about “every guy” by making me realize that they are NOT all the same. This “nice guy” REALLY IS a NICE GUY.
This nice guy, changed my life.
This nice guy is good to me in every way, and I am finally appreciated and encouraged instead of used and suppressed.
This nice guy showed me that I actually am worthy of love and released my fear and shame.
In his eyes I am beautiful, and strong, and creative, and kind, I am smart and loving, I am talented and have a really nice ass…. heehee just kidding…but not really, he loves my ass ;P
Through his perception, I am able to see that my goodness and strength is not lost upon the world of selfish drones. I am appreciated by at least one. I am loved and admired for being myself. I am seen for the person I really am, and not for the image they want me to be. He sees through the rumors, he lives above the lies.
In his arms I am as strong as he believes that I am.
In his eyes I am as beautiful as he sees that I am.
I have never been so in love with a man.

I am healing from the heartache of losing my loved one, but with his love, I am also growing stronger in my ability to push forward and fight. With him in my corner I believe, I feel, I can do anything. I feel I can win.
I am stronger and smarter through the love of him.

This is not a happy ending.
The journey doesn’t end here.
This is a happy beginning. This story is an introduction to a new person, a third layer, an older, wiser, more confident, more secure, more able person.

I met a nice guy…. and this nice guy saved me from what could have been the end…
This is the beginning.
A new woman, a new mother, a new designer, and soon… a new wife 😉

Stay Tuned. . .