Cheating Envy

Five years into marriage and I absolutely know why people divorce/cheat.

Your spouse becomes no longer your romantic partner, but your business partner in the business of running a family, managing a mutual life.

Not an ounce of romance or intimacy between you, now every interaction is a meeting about diapers and bottles and school and appointments. Romantic dates have long been replaced with family outings and household errands.

There seems to be nothing left of you, of your unique personality, (probably the person your partner fell in love with, now extinguished). It’s no wonder they don’t seem to care about who you are anymore, there’s nothing left of who you once were. You’re just a parent and a spouse now. Just a person who cooks their meals and teaches their kids, only a nanny and a housekeeper, nothing interesting there.

Where once upon a dating phase they’d do ANYTHING to please you, to care for you, to love you…

Now, anything personal seems selfish and problematic.

Now, there’s no time to even take care of yourself between diapers and laundry and meetings about school.

You gave up on all personal interests awhile ago. At first you just put yourself on hold saying you’d get back to your passions after this next chapter of life, but that chapter just bled into a novel that’s still being written, and the story is no longer about you.

Suddenly, you start to see dating in a whole new light. You see the elements you were once oblivious to, the aspects you naively took for granted. You begin to envy the couples interest in one another, the new excitement of someone desperate to learn about you, to discover your passions and talents and do them with you. To be so much of yourself and to have someone want to be a part of who you ARE…. not turn you into something else and burn it all away.

That spark of passion when you’re attracted to someone and they reciprocate your infatuation. When you see value in them and they, equally, see value in you.

That phase of relationships when another person is eager to take part in your life and you’re equally anxious to see them at each chance.

When you have fun together, instead of just being together all of the time while cooking and cleaning and managing your life.

When every time you look over at your spouse they’re playing games on their phone or snoring on their back. When every conversation you have with your spouse is them complaining about work shyt they choose not to change, or car repairs you can’t afford. When every birthday that goes by or special occasion is met with nothing more than the most thoughtless weak attempt at acknowledgement…

When your marriage has been going around in the same circle for years, beginning with you opening a dialogue with your spouse about your feelings of neglect and wrapping with the arguement and cherry picked fights that follow.

When you’ve spent almost half your marriage battling depression due to isolation and neglect…

Yes, I absolutely know and understand why people divorce/cheat.

What I’m finding out on this relationship journey, is that opposites may attract momentarily, but it’s imperative to find someone with similarities for longevity to avoid losing yourself in the relationship.

But, this is a lesson learned too late, this is marriage. This is marriage in reality.

So, what now? Where do we go from here? Stay tuned…

Mom-Life in Reality

“Eat something” he always tells me…

Well, I woke to having my hair pulled, to immediately changing diapers upon sitting up in bed, I fed the boys, gave them water, and put on the TV so I can make myself some toast.

But, now both boys whining and crawling up my leg… for what?! What could they possibly need now?!?… The youngest crying and wanting to be held, because I won’t hold his hand while he yanks me all over the house, and the toddler eating my &@%^! toast while I type this! 😠😣😤

•This is the first hour of the day•

*I hear Mother’s Day is coming up. Since my husband is blissfully unaware that any woman on this planet is a mother, other than his own, I can’t imagine I’ll notice the day come or go. I’ve tried not even bringing it up, though I briefly mentioned a few days back that his annual mother’s day call to his mom should be a video chat in order to show her the kids, and I saw him full-body cringe. It was the kind of cringe that told me, that despite the oversaturation of advertising at every moment, that he has either been actively ignoring (his go-to coping mechanism), he forgot, or was hoping I forgot. I will now.

With my children still babies and my lazy, careless spouse, I never have high hopes for mother’s day anyway.

But, stay tuned, maybe he’ll shock us all!

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Trust Issues

Trust Issues

Sometimes, I question if my husband really loves me, or just the idea of me.  I still don’t know what is real, or what real love is.

In all of my life, I have never had any one person actually love me or care for me, including childhood and infancy.  People have only ever used me.  Maybe in that void I just wanted (needed) to be loved too badly, loved at all.  Oh, I’ve had countless people see potential in me and want me for a trophy wife or personal possession, but they never really cared about me, they only cared about what I could do for them.  They were selfish, and self-centered and therefore unworthy of my love, but this has become my acquired self-worth…. That, I myself, am unworthy of love.

And then this hero comes along…  So what makes him different?  What makes me believe that I can trust him?  How do I know if it’s real, or if he is just more charming than the rest?  I don’t.

Most of the time I’m completely convinced, allowing myself to live in the bubble, believing the dream, but then I get a quite moment to reflect and that familiar doubt creeps in. . .

How does a person argue with a lifetime of experience and win?  Or do they at all?

Maybe this doubt is a red flag, alerting me of the old familiar to-good-to-be-true.  Because, I’m me… Unlovable. I must be.  This is what I’ve been lead to believe, this has been my only experience. . . Until now.

I may be going back and forth and reiterating, but this is the reflection of my thought process.  I’m fighting with myself… over being loved!  Why am I so self-destructive?  This is probably the root of why I’ve NEVER been loved, because after so much experience I most likely created a defense of expecting it and either allowing it or instigating it. . . And this is what people do.  We protect ourselves from being unloved by not allowing ourselves to be loved?!?  Or accepting anything that anyone passes off onto us as “love”, even if it’s hurtful or destructive too.  Unfortunately.

So now this person, this knight in shining armor, the one your cynicism warned you about, comes along and suddenly does what no one else could do. . . He sees into me, he sees truth and love and good hidden under all of the trauma and neglect and pain.  But how!?!?  He doesn’t exist!  How could he?!  I convinced myself he can’t be true, it could never, would never, happen to me. 

But he loves me.  He wont give up on me.  He insists that I’m worthy.  Maybe someday he’ll teach me.  He’s a dream come true, and everything I ever wanted him to be.  I think I’m going crazy. 

Then what the hell is he doing with an emotional cripple like me?  But he nurtures me and cares for me and I’m slowly coming along.  Maybe someday I’ll see what he sees.  Maybe someday I’ll believe I’m worthy of love.  And when that day comes I’ll know if he’s real and why he loves me.  Fortunately, I have the rest of my life to find out.

Until then . . .

 

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