2020•02•03
It was one of those days with my children that left me laying in bed, crying at night. Feeling like an absolute failure, just because it was so exhausting. Just because it took so much out of me.
I felt empty and incapable.
It was only a few errands and a walk in the park, why was that so damaging and overwhelming? I’m just too old.
Meanwhile, I’m seeing my friends back home get together (what looks like once a week now) to have lunch, watch the game, or just generally find things to celebrate. I shouldn’t be watching, I know. I know how much it hurts me, but otherwise, what do I have of human observation? It’s not even contact. Just observation.
My life is like a reverse zoo. I’m in the cage, watching all the other humans live their lives outside in the open, but instead of a window I have but a digital screen. I feel exactly like that orangutan that we saw separated from her babies... helplessly watching them from inside the cage. Hopelessly giving up, giving in.
Except, I’m watching my peer group regain their freedom, pick their lives back up, with time and youth and energy to spare, they’re getting “back out there!”. But not me. I have a 2yr old. My life will be wasted away, and so will my peers, by the time my children come of age.
Caged. Chained to diapers in my 40s. Waiting, helplessly watching myself age.
Relationships In Reality 