Five years into marriage and I absolutely know why people divorce/cheat.
Your spouse becomes no longer your romantic partner, but your business partner in the business of running a family, managing a mutual life.
Not an ounce of romance or intimacy between you, now every interaction is a meeting about diapers and bottles and school and appointments. Romantic dates have long been replaced with family outings and household errands.
There seems to be nothing left of you, of your unique personality, (probably the person your partner fell in love with, now extinguished). It’s no wonder they don’t seem to care about who you are anymore, there’s nothing left of who you once were. You’re just a parent and a spouse now. Just a person who cooks their meals and teaches their kids, only a nanny and a housekeeper, nothing interesting there.
Where once upon a dating phase they’d do ANYTHING to please you, to care for you, to love you…
Now, anything personal seems selfish and problematic.
Now, there’s no time to even take care of yourself between diapers and laundry and meetings about school.
You gave up on all personal interests awhile ago. At first you just put yourself on hold saying you’d get back to your passions after this next chapter of life, but that chapter just bled into a novel that’s still being written, and the story is no longer about you.
Suddenly, you start to see dating in a whole new light. You see the elements you were once oblivious to, the aspects you naively took for granted. You begin to envy the couples interest in one another, the new excitement of someone desperate to learn about you, to discover your passions and talents and do them with you. To be so much of yourself and to have someone want to be a part of who you ARE…. not turn you into something else and burn it all away.
That spark of passion when you’re attracted to someone and they reciprocate your infatuation. When you see value in them and they, equally, see value in you.
That phase of relationships when another person is eager to take part in your life and you’re equally anxious to see them at each chance.
When you have fun together, instead of just being together all of the time while cooking and cleaning and managing your life.
When every time you look over at your spouse they’re playing games on their phone or snoring on their back. When every conversation you have with your spouse is them complaining about work shyt they choose not to change, or car repairs you can’t afford. When every birthday that goes by or special occasion is met with nothing more than the most thoughtless weak attempt at acknowledgement…
When your marriage has been going around in the same circle for years, beginning with you opening a dialogue with your spouse about your feelings of neglect and wrapping with the arguement and cherry picked fights that follow.
When you’ve spent almost half your marriage battling depression due to isolation and neglect…
Yes, I absolutely know and understand why people divorce/cheat.
What I’m finding out on this relationship journey, is that opposites may attract momentarily, but it’s imperative to find someone with similarities for longevity to avoid losing yourself in the relationship.
But, this is a lesson learned too late, this is marriage. This is marriage in reality.
So, what now? Where do we go from here? Stay tuned…
Relationships In Reality 