Cheating Envy

Five years into marriage and I absolutely know why people divorce/cheat.

Your spouse becomes no longer your romantic partner, but your business partner in the business of running a family, managing a mutual life.

Not an ounce of romance or intimacy between you, now every interaction is a meeting about diapers and bottles and school and appointments. Romantic dates have long been replaced with family outings and household errands.

There seems to be nothing left of you, of your unique personality, (probably the person your partner fell in love with, now extinguished). It’s no wonder they don’t seem to care about who you are anymore, there’s nothing left of who you once were. You’re just a parent and a spouse now. Just a person who cooks their meals and teaches their kids, only a nanny and a housekeeper, nothing interesting there.

Where once upon a dating phase they’d do ANYTHING to please you, to care for you, to love you…

Now, anything personal seems selfish and problematic.

Now, there’s no time to even take care of yourself between diapers and laundry and meetings about school.

You gave up on all personal interests awhile ago. At first you just put yourself on hold saying you’d get back to your passions after this next chapter of life, but that chapter just bled into a novel that’s still being written, and the story is no longer about you.

Suddenly, you start to see dating in a whole new light. You see the elements you were once oblivious to, the aspects you naively took for granted. You begin to envy the couples interest in one another, the new excitement of someone desperate to learn about you, to discover your passions and talents and do them with you. To be so much of yourself and to have someone want to be a part of who you ARE…. not turn you into something else and burn it all away.

That spark of passion when you’re attracted to someone and they reciprocate your infatuation. When you see value in them and they, equally, see value in you.

That phase of relationships when another person is eager to take part in your life and you’re equally anxious to see them at each chance.

When you have fun together, instead of just being together all of the time while cooking and cleaning and managing your life.

When every time you look over at your spouse they’re playing games on their phone or snoring on their back. When every conversation you have with your spouse is them complaining about work shyt they choose not to change, or car repairs you can’t afford. When every birthday that goes by or special occasion is met with nothing more than the most thoughtless weak attempt at acknowledgement…

When your marriage has been going around in the same circle for years, beginning with you opening a dialogue with your spouse about your feelings of neglect and wrapping with the arguement and cherry picked fights that follow.

When you’ve spent almost half your marriage battling depression due to isolation and neglect…

Yes, I absolutely know and understand why people divorce/cheat.

What I’m finding out on this relationship journey, is that opposites may attract momentarily, but it’s imperative to find someone with similarities for longevity to avoid losing yourself in the relationship.

But, this is a lesson learned too late, this is marriage. This is marriage in reality.

So, what now? Where do we go from here? Stay tuned…

Romance in Reality

It’s probably cliché to say, but marriage lacks romance.

Not meaning to say that many spouses don’t try to maintain some spark throughout their endless, routine, usually stressful, often mundane, busy lives together, it just seems that expectations based on TV and movies destroys the efforts of reality. And is it even practical to believe you can preserve that “new-car-smell” in your 10 year old family van?

I’ve been reading articles regarding the subject of romance in marriage, and there seems to be a lot lacking! Not just in the romance department, but the journalism department as well. It’s like no one wants to discuss it, or everyone is afraid to poke the wound.
The most in depth article I read mentioned that some husbands (like mine) do attempt to sustain romance, but believe that simply complimenting you vaguely – “you look nice”-, or helping with household chores –that they should be helping with anyway– are romantic gestures. In the same article it also mentioned a number of partners who feel that romance is a shared experience, in that, if the partner hoping for a romantic experience creates it themselves, that the joy and excitement of the action will be equally shared.
It is my opinion, that both of these types of spouses are hopelessly lost to the concept of romantic gestures.

True, my husband is in the former group. However, his gentle attempts are not lost on me.
Because I’m aware that he cares and I see that he tries. He’s just not the big, romantic type. When it comes to romance, he’s clueless.

But, does that mean that with relationship romance, as with all gift giving, it’s the thought that counts? Is a romantic thought as good as a grand romantic gesture in marriage?
Would you be, honestly, pleased and grateful to receive no more this Valentine’s Day than a vague compliment and the trash taken out? Or would you enjoy an experience that you put all of the effort into planning and creating, despite that your partner may not care or be comfortable with big, romantic surprises the way that you would?
Is lack of romance, really what destroys marriages? Because, the euphoric bliss we experience from fresh infatuation seems a bit unrealistic to base a life-long, aging partnership on.

Maybe there is something to be said for dropping breadcrumbs of affection throughout your marriage though. Because, how long can a partner keep out-doing themselves on grand gestures, and wouldn’t it just become as expected and ordinary as every other aspect of your shared lives?
With those tiny breadcrumbs there is a chain of constance and dependability, there is sustainability. My husband knows he can keep up with the daily compliments, sporadic dishes, and constant butt gropes & neck kisses. And I know through those constant efforts that his affection for me and his appreciation are always there.

And, who knows, maybe one day he’ll read a book and catch a clue, and I’ll walk into some extraordinary, heart-stopping, tear-jerking, phenomenal spectacle. And because it’s so rare and unexpected, it will be appreciated that much more.

For now. . .
He’s snoring next to me on the couch.

Until next time!

Thank you for reading. *kisses*

*No longer on Facebook, but you can find me on
Instagram under @kalani_rene
and
YouTube.com/kalanilei

Mutual Stress

If you’re a woman, you may have experience with someone of the opposite sex muttering these words to you (or some version of) “you know it’s just your hormones making you feel this way”
And you’re probably aware of how immediately the interaction spirals downhill from there.

Recently, the husband and I have been finding it more difficult to be friends.
We are partners, we are housemates, we are family, but we are individually dealing with exhausting amounts of personal stress.  And when that’s the case, we usually have a companion to turn to, to talk to, to relieve stress… to keep the balance.
But, what we hadn’t accounted for, is times when we are both at our limit and both feeling like falling apart.  My partner’s problems have become part of my problems too, and likewise.
Turning to one another is no longer an option.  Burdening the other person in order to offload our stress would be selfish, and create more harm to the relationship.

So what do we do?
Who can we turn to now?

The best life is unbearable knowing he needs me and I can’t help him.
He’s unbearable, overflowing with tension and stress, not being the open, loving friend that I need.
I’m unbearable, pulling back, lashing out, pushing him away, because I’m falling apart and don’t know how to handle it on my own.

We are not perfect.  We are not without trouble.  We’ve been called “The Notebook couple”, but that’s just not true.
He is my best friend, and I’m his.
He loves me, and I love him.
That is the foundation of our marriage.  But, it’s not enough. 
Life happens, and being in love doesn’t cancel the bad.  Doesn’t dissolve the deadlines, the social disappointments, the work obligations, or the days that pass when you don’t have sex because you’re just too stressed… only feeding the stress.

During these storms, I remember all of the storms of my past, the ones I went through alone.  I’m reminded that I’m capable of enduring this, but I’m fearful that my coping mechanisms may not be built for two.
And while memories serve to reassure that storms do pass, with what consequence?
If we are carrying too much baggage to be in the same boat, won’t we drift apart?  Will we be able to recover from this storm together, or will we find ourselves on the horizon of a new dawn, cleaning up an old mess?

Right now, we’re in separate rooms… Sinking in our individual pools of problems.
Too overwhelmed to be capable of communication.
But, utilizing our personal outlets of stress processing.  Me on my blog, him wrist deep in a video game tournament. . .
So for now, we sit alone, widdling at the stress block one chip at a time.  Maybe, by the end of the night we will be removed enough to talk it out.
But, not for now.

Will this storm pass soon enough?  What is all the stress about?  How will we figure it all out?
Stay Tuned. . . . .

In the meantime there’s:

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Thanks for reading along with us!

Dear Diary. . .

Today was more of an emotional rollercoaster than an emotionally sensitive person should be able to deal with…
Though, as far back as I can remember, I’ve been pressured and rolled by the powers that be, the universe has made me stronger and harder than I care to be.
But, at the end of the day, my best friend is laying next to me, he always has my back.
And that is my reward for tribulations and adversities.
All I’ve been through, all I carry with me, and even days like this. . .
To lay in his arms and know that I’m safe.
*My Happy Place*

It’s not all love and sunny days, there are failures and frustration on both ends. That’s human nature, that’s human relationships.
The important aspect is that through it all, despite the pitfalls, that love remains strong and he’s still my best friend. I couldn’t imagine a day without him. He’s both my weakness and my strength, and I’m the same for him.

We have forever to go til “death do us part”. . .
And I’m still confident that I’ll get there with him…
“Happily Ever After”

Stay Tuned!

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Lessons Learned

Nope. . . .

Marriage is not a utopian bliss.

No relationship is realistically a utopian bliss, not even the relationship we have with ourselves, so stop looking for it!

Those dirty clothes your partner leaves on the bathroom floor, everyday, without any regard for you whatsoever…

Those plans your mate is just not capable of making on their own…

That door your spouse does not know how to close behind them…

These things will NEVER change!

Well, never is harsh, they might, with work and will and respect for your partners.

We all tend to get a little (or a lot) selfish in our relationships at times, but we must take inventory occasionally of how much we are pouring in to the relationship, how much we are giving back to our partner.

Are you just a giant child who feels entitled to be a self-centered, emotionally-unstable brat and that your partner should just deal with it and love you anyway, because again, you’re entitled to it?

Are you a dedicated business person who offloads all personal responsibilities onto your spouse, including housekeeping, bill paying, child rearing, and even coordinating recreational activities?

What, then, are you giving to the relationship?
What do you have to offer?

How are you a desirable person to date?
How are you pulling your own weight?

In what ways are you proving yourself a PARTNER?  Partner.

Relationships ARE 50/50!

That is a delicate balance that can NEVER be thrown off if you are truly serious about having a good relationship work.

It’s okay to give and take a little now and then, when the circumstances legitimately warrant it, but you do not get to be a giant brat and shut down, or act out, or fail to communicate effectively, in place of games and tests.

Your spouse is NOT your parents!

You are no longer a child.  Grow Up!

If you weren’t raised sufficiently and still need a mom or dad, you are NOT READY for a relationship.  Work on yourself.

Honestly, work on yourself, raise yourself. 
If you are over 24, then you should have the ability to see the world for yourself, you shouldn’t need mommy and daddy showing you the way anymore.

That lack of maturity does NOT make you desirable.  Work on yourself BEFORE you even think of dating or reproducing. 
It is a much slower and more difficult task to try and grow up with burdens and distractions pulling you down.
Trust me.

And here’s the trick:  ready? . . .

FOCUS ON YOUR FLAWS.

I know, you probably spend every ounce of energy in your existence avoiding this painful realization.
But, without being able to see what’s wrong, you will never be able to fix it, you’ll remain ignorant and confused. And faking only gets you so far… You’ve probably come to learn at least that much.

If you want to stop being that person who gets the guy/girl, only to have that person wrestle from your unwanted grasp 6 months later, leaving you heartbroken, self-loathing, angry, and confused. . .
Focus on your flaws.  On YOUR flaws.

That’s the ticket.

Don’t worry about what your partner is doing wrong, (let them read this too! ) because relationships are balance.  And if your other half is off, chances are, it’s because you are too.

If they are pulling away or becoming distant: 
Are you bitchy or negative or becoming an emotionally needy burden?

If there are issues in your lives, try approaching them with the silver lining first.  “You’re either part of the solution or part of the problem.”
How do you want your partner to see you?

If they are emotionally needy or bitchy:

Are you distracted or distant? Are you bottling resentment or just failing to communicate with your partner?

A relationship IS a company.  You are running a business, the very difficult business of producing an incredibly addictive and potentially dangerous drug called Love. 
You are the company CEO and your partner is your co-chair.
Each of you has an important job to do to keep the company running smooth.
Shared responsibility.

First things first, who are you in business with?  Is this person capable of running a company head to head with you? 
Are they responsible, smart, caring, generous?  Trustworthy?
Are they immature, ignorant, selfish, greedy?
You should be smart about who you go into business with.  The partner you choose will be someone you expect to share everything with.
Be very discerning in the partner you choose.

If you take anyone who will have you, and pour every ounce of yourself into them, losing yourself along the way, because of loneliness and desperation, and hope that if you bleed yourself dry for them it will work out:

What do you, realistically, think is actually going to happen? 
You are not a desirable person to date.
You are a human house-pet.

Do your job, pull your weight, but do make sure you’re not pulling theirs too.

None will have respect for you if you don’t respect yourself.  You offer an example of what’s allowed by allowing it.  If you are allowing yourself to be a doormat, to be disrespected by your mate… Why?  They’re doing it, because THEY CAN.
Get out and work on yourself.
Don’t blame them for being what they are, let yourself learn your worth.
You can only change yourself. Focus on that.
AND DON’T GO BACK!  DO NOT GO BACK.

All this shows is that you are not any smarter or stronger, that you just needed a timeout.
People that use you, will never change, they will only find someone else to use if not you.
And no matter the “punishment”, you are only actually teaching them, by taking them back, that they can get away with it. That it’s okay.
Don’t be desperate.  Don’t go back!

DON’T BE DESPERATE.

It makes you undesirable and attracts users who see they can take advantage of your weakness.

And, we’ve all been there at least once (or twice) whether or not we care to admit it. 
Relationships take work. 
Being good at anything takes learning,  training, practice.  And work. 
Work on ourselves.

Don’t put that burden on a potential partner, it will be your demise.

And if you jump from relationship to relationship just because the people are “hot” or easy or come with benefits, and you hope it will work out for you:

You are hopeless and self-centered. You need to stay single.
Don’t be a predator.  Work on yourself.

And the most important secret:

COMMUNICATE.

That doesn’t mean bitch & nag or smother & stalk.
Be a person desirable to date.
Give them distance, that comes ONLY with the condition of RESPECT.
And if they violate that condition, don’t take away your trust, be prepared to take away YOURSELF.
Have trust or don’t have a relationship with a person you don’t think you can trust.  They’re not the one. No matter how hot they are. No matter the benefits.  Move on.

When you get close to someone, you learn more about their character, their beliefs, their flaws.  And they, yours.
Maybe you begin to realize that you are not compatible with the person you’ve gotten to know… LET THEM KNOW.
Don’t be selfish and try to snake away, be a respectable person.  Tell the truth!
People CAN handle being dumped, just have tact.

You are absolutely entitled to your feelings, but BE HONEST.
You know when you’re being lied to, you’re left stabbed in the heart and confused.  We all do.
Give closure.  Take responsibility.

And above all, DON’T GO BACK.

It is NEVER okay to use someone as an emotional filler.  Especially someone you know is vulnerable and therefore weak.  Suck it up.  Real control, is self-control.  Work on yourself.

*Or see paragraph above about relationship jumping.

And that’s all, folks.

That’s what I’ve learned so far.  It took a lifetime to adjust my eyes to see the path, but now it is so clear.

This is no magic formula guaranteed to work, but they are resources I’ve gathered as I’ve passed previous levels.
*gamer reference

Marriage is not when life gets easy and relationships are perfect (or vice versa).
Relationships are a factory, producing LOVE.  Don’t neglect your factory or your business.  Nobody gets to be selfish and have it all, that does not make you a desirable person to do business with.  Work on yourself. 
Or stay single. . . Whichever.

But, stay tuned. . . .

Is This “happily ever after”?
Not so far, no.

Happy, yes.  Problem-free, nope.

Relationships are a human experience, even marriage.  People aren’t perfect, and they aren’t going to be.  Them or you, him or me.
But, that’s okay. 
Everything you are, makes you who you are.  The good and the ugly, the right and the bad.  We are comprised of balance.

I will catch him when he falls and help him back on his feet, because I trust that he will do the same for me.

As long as we have the same goal in mind, the same destination ahead, and we are going there hand-in-hand.

I believe in my partner… Everything that he is.

You are not a perfect person, you will never have a perfect relationship.
Stop looking for it.
Just make sure it’s good, and embrace what it is.

“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold.  They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history, it becomes more beautiful.”
-B. Bloom

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Is It Possible?

Holding On

Is it possible to love someone too much?

To depend on them too much? To not have any reservations about this?

Many “experts” would easily argue “yes“…
This could easily be catergorized as need, dependancy, lust, infatuation, or ego feed.

But then, what is it called when you are “all in”?
No life raft on the boat, no parachute on the plane, not even a seat that doubles as a floatation device… no insurance policy or off-shore accounts. . .

No back-up plan. No going back.

Is this vulnerability supposed to be scary? Isn’t it supposed to be comforting?
Is it too much? SHOULD there be a Plan B?

The way I see… Marriage is like skating on ice:

Each partner is a blade, they have the weight of a combination life on a mutual load, and the object is to balance this weight on a often slippery and unpredictable surface while attempting to move the load forward and hopefully have some fun in the process.

Is that asking too much?
To trust another person to help balance that weight without staying close to the edge of the ice, without keeping a hand on that wall to be prepared to catch yourself if you do lose balance.
Is that doing too much?

What are risks?
For some, just falling.
For others, falling thropugh the ice. . .

And my fear at this point in “the honeymoon phase”, is not falling through the ice… or even falling for that matter, but more the fear that that SHOULD or SHOULDN’T be a fear.

My husband, who admirably understands and accepts my past, my hesitations, my fears, asked me recently, “Are you still holding back?”

I thought I’d be able to answer this question without hesitation, I know myself, I can assess where I am at… But there was a hesitation.
I really couldn’t assess myself.

I guess I had gotten so distracted with married life that I had forgotten to account for the fear of being married.

Is my hand still on the wall?
I forgot to look back. . . I forgot to look up!

I think I’ve been so distracted with staring at the two blades in wonder and awe, and a little anxiety, watching them go from fumbling and inexperienced to balanced and almost, almost graceful!
Like a toddler learning to walk…and then skate! LOL
Seeing each one occassionaly become a little weak, a bit wobbly, worrying that the other would collapse from the weight, but then watching as the burden of weight is effortlessly transferred back and forth and the two blades continue to push forward…
Impressed and proud that so much burden can be balanced and transported by two fragile, unassuming little blades.

But is my hand still on the wall?

Is it??

Is it possible that I’ve finally let go? That I’m no longer looking to save myself?

I’m looking around now for that saftey feature, that security, to know I have a second chance…
But I don’t think I do.

The wall is not within arms reach. My hand is in his hand.

And, honestly, I think it’s safer this way.

Holding onto the wall keeps us from trusting our own two feet and the blades underneath them.
We’ll never learn the required balance to push forward or begin learning new spins and tricks with our hand on the wall.  And that’s the fun stuff!
And marriage is supposed to be fun, right?

Is that even possible?

Maybe it is.  Maybe it’s not.  Maybe trusting someone too much is dumb.  And sometimes the ice is thin. . . but I’m “all in”.  No more holding back, no holding onto the wall.
My hand is in my partner’s hand and I will trust him to help move us along.

And maybe, just maybe, if we work hard enough and practice everyday, we’ll learn a new trick along the way!

If that’s possible.

Thanks for following us on our adventure!  Hopefully it will be an exciting and fun ride.  Keep up with more relationship fun through these other social networks as well:

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InstaGram: @your__ex_girlfriend or #kalanilei

Stay tuned for more . . .

Trust Issues

Trust Issues

Sometimes, I question if my husband really loves me, or just the idea of me.  I still don’t know what is real, or what real love is.

In all of my life, I have never had any one person actually love me or care for me, including childhood and infancy.  People have only ever used me.  Maybe in that void I just wanted (needed) to be loved too badly, loved at all.  Oh, I’ve had countless people see potential in me and want me for a trophy wife or personal possession, but they never really cared about me, they only cared about what I could do for them.  They were selfish, and self-centered and therefore unworthy of my love, but this has become my acquired self-worth…. That, I myself, am unworthy of love.

And then this hero comes along…  So what makes him different?  What makes me believe that I can trust him?  How do I know if it’s real, or if he is just more charming than the rest?  I don’t.

Most of the time I’m completely convinced, allowing myself to live in the bubble, believing the dream, but then I get a quite moment to reflect and that familiar doubt creeps in. . .

How does a person argue with a lifetime of experience and win?  Or do they at all?

Maybe this doubt is a red flag, alerting me of the old familiar to-good-to-be-true.  Because, I’m me… Unlovable. I must be.  This is what I’ve been lead to believe, this has been my only experience. . . Until now.

I may be going back and forth and reiterating, but this is the reflection of my thought process.  I’m fighting with myself… over being loved!  Why am I so self-destructive?  This is probably the root of why I’ve NEVER been loved, because after so much experience I most likely created a defense of expecting it and either allowing it or instigating it. . . And this is what people do.  We protect ourselves from being unloved by not allowing ourselves to be loved?!?  Or accepting anything that anyone passes off onto us as “love”, even if it’s hurtful or destructive too.  Unfortunately.

So now this person, this knight in shining armor, the one your cynicism warned you about, comes along and suddenly does what no one else could do. . . He sees into me, he sees truth and love and good hidden under all of the trauma and neglect and pain.  But how!?!?  He doesn’t exist!  How could he?!  I convinced myself he can’t be true, it could never, would never, happen to me. 

But he loves me.  He wont give up on me.  He insists that I’m worthy.  Maybe someday he’ll teach me.  He’s a dream come true, and everything I ever wanted him to be.  I think I’m going crazy. 

Then what the hell is he doing with an emotional cripple like me?  But he nurtures me and cares for me and I’m slowly coming along.  Maybe someday I’ll see what he sees.  Maybe someday I’ll believe I’m worthy of love.  And when that day comes I’ll know if he’s real and why he loves me.  Fortunately, I have the rest of my life to find out.

Until then . . .

 

Facebook.com/lolita.ventura1

Twitter.com/kalanilei

Youtube.com/kalanilei

 

So far. . .

– 50% of all marriages this year will statistically end in divorce within 5 years. –

TOP 3 CAUSES OF DIVORCE IN AMERICA:

#3 Family Pressure.
Many People allow family or friends to control their lives.

#2 Infidelity
Cheating is one of the most selfish acts a person can succumb to.

#1 Money
Couples young and old have been known to part over financial issues.

It’s been two months tomorrow.
So far, marriage is everything they say that it will be…

Friendship, partnership, higher stress rate, lower sex drive, money problems, baggage, along with endless blame, arguments, comfort, insecurities, affection, tension, love, gratitude and lack of appreciation. In no particular order.

Marriage is not easy. I don’t believe that it is supposed to be. Just like anything else worth having, or worth being worthy of, it is supposed to be ‘worth it’.
So many people have this delusion that once they walk down that isle that all their dreams come true, they receive a medieval dowry and live happily and comfortably ever after in sexual, utopian bliss. . .
Deep down, even the most delusional of us know that that is merely a dream cloaking the reality of family, friends, exs, sacrifice, and financial hurdles littering the path between wedded and bliss.

I used to say “relationships are hard”.
Relationships are NOT hard. I am an over-achiever who strives for perfection and is deathly afraid to even attempt anything I don’t believe I can do perfectly and easily. So yes, relationships were hard for me, because I let them be! I was too stubborn to give up any amount of time and effort I had wasted on some dead relationship and just cut my losses instead of desperately attempting to CPR it into some passable state of successful appearance.
Relationships were hard because I was hard on myself, and there is always gonna be some deadbeat loser loitering around to take advantage of that delusional drive many women have to “make it work”.
When relationships became easier is when I realized how easy it is to cut the loss and walk away. When I opened my eyes to the fact that I was crying over how there is someone better out there, but they were never gonna see me with some incapable, dramatic, man-child in my way.
(And if they did, they would realize based on who/what I was dealing with that they were out of my league. Truth hurts)
So I stopped pretending that relationships were so hard and stopped accepting less than what I knew I truly deserved… Suddenly, relationships were not hard, relationships no longer had unrealistic amounts of pressure, relationships are temporary, like, auditions. If they don’t make it, it’s not your fault, they just weren’t right for the roll. NEXT!

Marriage. Marriage is hard. There is no one next, no one else to audition, you’ve cast the roll of life partner and you are praying to the powers that be that that person can pull it off. The camera is live, everyone is watching, your future depends on this and there is no going back.

Marriage is hard.
Marriage is permanent (for those, like myself, who don’t believe in divorce). All mistakes are inerasable. And it feels like everyone is watching, waiting, hoping to see you fail. . .

Something about that permanency is so claustrophobic.
But also somehow very comforting and relieving at the same time.
Knowing no matter what you are going through and how difficult is gets, you will always have a partner in crime, someone will always have your back. You may go through low lows, but you won’t ever again have to go them alone.

A young couple approached me a few weeks ago with questions on how my new spouse and I were getting along, I explained to them that I’m still new to this myself, but my understanding of our positions in a marriage is that, you know you’re in it for the long haul, so you always try hard to be nice to each other and as good to one another as possible, because you know that you have a LONG way to go.

#1 Money Troubles
#2 Temptation
#3 Social Pressure

We have a long way to go. . .

Stay tuned to see how it goes.
*Going to attempt a new video sometime in the near future. I know, I know, I always promise that. And EVENTUALLY, I always get around to it.
You guys wanna meet my mate?

As always:

Follow me on Twitter: @kalanilei (your ex-girlfriend)

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Until next time…

Thanks for reading!
And to all my subscribers, you are amazing! Thanks for following me through all my relationships adventures! Hope it has been an entertaining and exciting ride.
Aloha!

NEW

I’m back!

It’s been a while, I’ve been neglecting my blog and all of my follower/readers and I apologize! Those of you that have been keeping up with me on Twitter or Facebook have all of your updates and know of all the changes as they’ve taken place, the rest of you will have to read on. . .

In my previous posts I met a “nice guy”, things since then have been so hectic and overwhelming and fleeting that I have had no time to write a blog about the “nice guy” I met and how that scenerio played out.
Rough draft version:

He was nice, and a lot of fun to be around. He was honest and communicative, interesting and intelligent, supportive and caring, hard-working and generous, compassionate and understanding, and chivalrous… Everything a woman could want, right?

We went on a few dates, that were all really great, I loved spending time with him and couldn’t wait for the next time I got to be with him. After two months we decided to make the relationship official (by giving it a title! I don’t know what you all are thinking).
Meanwhile, in other areas of my life there is a war raging on. A war involving egos, money, connections, families, friends, enemies, and a very valuable prize to be won in the center of it all.
This turmoil was more than I could ever ask a new aquaintance to be involved in on any more than an emotionally supportive level, but he was all too eager… My defenses flared up.
We know about my trust issues, and I couldn’t help but wonder what all girls with scars would wonder “Why is he so nice? What does he want from me? What’s his angle?”

With everyone in the past I could see clearly through them, their intentions were selfish and destructive. I would get involved with these boys assuming I was in full control because my eyes were open, despite that it would still end, inevitably, in disaster.

I don’t know what it was that made me drop my guard with this one. What made me consider the fear, but journey past it without hesitation or guard, but I did. Something different, almost impossible to explain other than, it just felt right.

From the moment we met there was an extremely comfortable chemistry, the feels-like-I’ve-known-him-all-my-life chemistry.
Within 6 months we were living together and planning our future together.
TOO SOON!
I know you are all thinking it, because I was too. But it’s been said to cliche’ that “when it feels right, it just feels right”. I knew I could see myself with this person well into the future, finally a man had come along that met my standards, but did I meet his?
During the time I got to call myself his girlfriend, it felt like a priviledge, but how long would that last?

In the beginning he was honest, interesting, supportive, generous, chivalrous… And he’s STILL all of those things, and that is why I now have the priviledge of calling myself his WIFE!

That’s right folks!
We did it. We tied the knot, jumped the broom, drank from the same goblet, got hitched, confirmed our relationship…etc However you wanna put it, we did it!

Tiny Handcuffs

Your tragic, and dramatic “ex girlfriend” is now your naive, and bewilderded “new wife”.
On a very different journey with new characters and new direction, the adventures will be dramatically different from here.

My take on relationships will be given from a new perspective and predominantly focused on married life, which I’m guessing (based on the honeymoon phase) will be interesting to say the least.
There will still be the occasional human interest piece or conversation topic, but I am no longer on the “Yellow Brick Road”, I’ve seen the man behind the curtain and this is it! So now I’m following the “Red Brick Road”.
But where does it go?
There is a long and mysterious path layed ahead and I’m about to find out, so please STAY TUNED to see where this new road leads me.
The new adventure will be: Marriage – In Reality

*and feel free to conduct your own personal betting pool on how long the marriage will last… You’re gonna do it anyway.
Challenge excepted!

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Testing…

Am I ready?

Once again I find myself at a test point of education and experience.  Once again I have to find out if I’ve learned anything from my new set of tribulations.  Have I?

Am I finally any different from the blind, abandoned, loveless adolescent that started on this journey of self-discovery and adulthood so long ago?  Has experience with life, ego and heartache taught me anything yet?

If life is a lesson in perception and self-preservation…. Have I learned to perceive?  To preserve?

Do I know what I want or what I’m worthy of?  Is it the same?

 

None of these questions will be answered in this blog.  I wish it were that easy.  All I can hope to do in this process, is sort out a few things mentally as I attempt to sort them linguistically.

 

Recently, I met a man.  We’ve been seeing eachother for about a month and have been on around four dates.  So far he is a seemingly “nice guy“…. am I ready for this test?

In my previous blog, I entertained the differences (of my personal perception) between “nice guys” and “bad boys”…  In my previous experiences, I’ve entertained relationships with nothing but Bad Boys, at the cost of rejecting anything that showed signs of being a nice guy.  I was young and feral, and careless with me.  As I have aged and lived, I have learned that I am, or at the very least want to be, worthy of sharing a life with a Nice Guy.  This, for me, means overcoming any anxiety or fear attached to my being undeserving of good and my ability to disrupt or destroy that fragile good soul, as I fear I have done with so many in the past.

*Let me stop here and say that, for that, I apologize.  I never consciencely intended to hurt anyone, more subconsciencely intended to hurt myself.  An emotional and moral worth set for me by those that came before you.  This late and impersonal apology can in no way make up for the confusion, frustration and heartache that I may have or must have caused you, but I sincerely wish I could undo any damage caused to you or the women that followed in my wake of emotional destruction passed through you.

Now, I once again find myself presented with a package of Nice Guy….but do I trust it?  Or destroy it?  In my own attempts at rationalizing the events of my existence and interaction with others, I have concluded that my expulsion of good from my life is some attempt to preserve it, to save it from me, from the subconscience damage I am capable of.  Can anyone tell me if that sounds like reason?  Or probably just a rational excuse… I’m confused.

Nonetheless, I am at present, presented with the facade of a “nice guy” and I am not quite sure if I am capable of knowing if he is real or if I am ready.  This story holds an octagon of angles… He likes me.  Is it real?  Do I like him?   Can I trust it?   It’s complicated.   Is that why he likes it?   Is that why I do?  Is there even a point with no future?

Or

Are all of these issues just an elaborate excuse to avoid intimacy?

There are obviously more questions than answers in this complicated conundrum.  I guess I will have to keep moving forward,  pick a path and walk it until I reach an answer.  When that answer becomes clear to me…. I will get back to you.  So until that time, we will leave this:

 

To be continued . . .

 

In the meantime…  Keep up with the drama at:

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