Mom-Guilt

Tonight, I fed my kids frozen burritos, and cried because of it.

I fed them frozen burritos as I emptied the sink and loaded the dishwasher, and sorted the second load of laundry between two floors of various put-away placements, while pulling kids off of tabletops and out of windowsills, and fixing the curtain that they ripped down in the back of the house, and while sweeping the dining room floor again by hand on my knees…
I fed them frozen burritos as I walked throughout the house closing blinds turning on lights, and breaking up fights, and picking up toys & rubbish to put away and throw away along my way…
I did this as I sorted bills for check writing when it’s closer to bedtime, while now unloading the dishwasher, and stopping everything to change my 2yr old who has been suffering diarrhea lately.
I fed them frozen burritos, and attempted to throw myself a meal replacement shake together so that I’d have something to eat before the end of the day, but they refused the burritos and, instead, they drank my shake.

I didn’t cry because I judge so poorly the instant food (it’s in my freezer after all), it wasn’t because the kids picked at them and then left them in a pile of worse mess for me to clean (including the clothes they were wearing) or because they drank the protein shake I’d made for myself.

I cried because I had a memory creep up on me…
A memory of my life before babies. I remembered the food I used to make, the effort I’d put in to every little thing. I remembered, and was forced by perspective to wonder “what has happened to me?”.
To confront that THIS was the mom I’ve become. A mom who washed her hair for the first time in a week, couldn’t leave the house for lack of showering, and serves her kids frozen food.
This hurt. For some reason, unbeknownst even to me. I stumbled into this source of shame, this new brand of mom-guilt.
Like, anyone is judging but me, like anyone saw me before or can see the comparison like I do. Nonetheless, it still hit me and it hurt when it did.

But, don’t worry, my 4yr old pissed ALL OVER the bathroom floor before the night was done (and attempted to clean it with a single piece of toilet paper).

Allll. Over.
*apparently, he ran in there pants down, hose engaged. *sigh*

Happy Sunday.