Thank god for FB filters and headscarves

Some of you are aware of my health condition, but for those that don’t know…

12 years ago I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. This is an autoimmune disease that causes my thyroid to malfunction and, consequently, tricks my immune system into attacking itself.

Since my diagnosis, I’ve struggled with a growing list of health issues and slow/ premature deterioration. Four years ago I underwent surgery to have my thyroid removed and was put on a daily regiment of hormone replacements.
Unfortunately, my body is not happy and continues to be under attack by my immune system.

Three years ago, I was also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, which is another inflammatory autoimmune disease that tricks your muscular and nervous system to believe it’s under attack. This, I’m told (by my diagnosing physician) is a stress induced illness.

I’m sick.
I’m not dying, not yet. *Even though some days can feel that way.

But, I have been feeling guilt and shame for living with, and for the most part, hiding my failing health for this long.

Because of my shame, I didn’t know if I was really going to go public with this, but after speaking with a nurse yesterday and telling my story, she encouraged me to share my story. She hopes my “strength” and “courage” will inspire others, whether they’re suffering the same illness as I am, or struggling through something all the same.

So, here I am. Exposing myself and my failing health, but still here and still pushing through everyday, still hoping and searching for answers.

Over the past two year, I’ve been working closely, and regularly, with my primary care physician to try and get on top of creating some relief from my symptoms (as these conditions are not, yet, curable) I do everything I can to help myself, which includes conscious diet, physical activity, and mindful practice of control [controlling the things I can] and positivity, and yet my health continues to fail.

This past year, I have been struggling with hair loss.

Which, has been an ongoing issue since my original diagnosis, but has become worse in recent months. My first step was to stop straightening, coloring, bleaching, blow drying, braiding, etc… and for a short while I saw, what appeared to be, promise. Until, the last six months, which have had me covering my head in every dry shampoo, tinted hair spray, root lifter, thickening agent, and headscarf I could find, in attempt to conceal the rapid thinning.

Until… I washed my hair one day and realized, I don’t have enough hair left to hide it anymore.

That day, I started wrapping my hair more regularly and now, wrap it everytime I leave the house in order to cover the thin, patchy, balding.

°Truth be told, my eyebrows are also fake. I started getting them microbladed last year, due to hair loss and signs of failing health in that area also.°

This illness is Hell. It’s far more painful than just tumors and hair loss, it’s physically painful, frustrating, confusing, stressful, and isolating.

(I’ll include a list of my personal symptoms below, in order of most to least immediately troubling)

•They say “all bad things come in threes”. Indeed.
This is just part 1 and 2 of a three part health crisis.

Though this is all I’m willing to share, for now. . .

•~Thoughts and Prayers welcomed~•

*I wouldn’t turn down a wig either 😝

《Symptom List》

Chronic fatigue/exhaustion

Chronic back pain

Curled pained posture (inability to wear heels)

Muscle fatigue

General muscle stiffness

Hair loss! – lashes, brows, etc

*brittle, dry, thin, straight hair

Dry, brittle, breaking nails

Brain fog

Memory issues

Joint pain/inflammation

Arthritis (hands)

Depression

Sleep issues

Bladder issues (frequent urination)

Tension headaches

Temperature sensitivity

Circulatory issues – tingling/cold extr.

Caffeine/Alcohol sensitivity

Appetite inconsistency – low

Low/No libido

Vision issues (contact dry-pain)

Body dysmorphia

Muscular convulsive ep. (cold/stress)

*Hashimoto’s diagnosis*

Fibromyalgia diagnosis

*Anemic symptoms*

Callus feet

Tired heavy face – Dull complexion

Melasma

Frostbite winter face rash

Flushing histamine rash *torso

Cheating Envy

Five years into marriage and I absolutely know why people divorce/cheat.

Your spouse becomes no longer your romantic partner, but your business partner in the business of running a family, managing a mutual life.

Not an ounce of romance or intimacy between you, now every interaction is a meeting about diapers and bottles and school and appointments. Romantic dates have long been replaced with family outings and household errands.

There seems to be nothing left of you, of your unique personality, (probably the person your partner fell in love with, now extinguished). It’s no wonder they don’t seem to care about who you are anymore, there’s nothing left of who you once were. You’re just a parent and a spouse now. Just a person who cooks their meals and teaches their kids, only a nanny and a housekeeper, nothing interesting there.

Where once upon a dating phase they’d do ANYTHING to please you, to care for you, to love you…

Now, anything personal seems selfish and problematic.

Now, there’s no time to even take care of yourself between diapers and laundry and meetings about school.

You gave up on all personal interests awhile ago. At first you just put yourself on hold saying you’d get back to your passions after this next chapter of life, but that chapter just bled into a novel that’s still being written, and the story is no longer about you.

Suddenly, you start to see dating in a whole new light. You see the elements you were once oblivious to, the aspects you naively took for granted. You begin to envy the couples interest in one another, the new excitement of someone desperate to learn about you, to discover your passions and talents and do them with you. To be so much of yourself and to have someone want to be a part of who you ARE…. not turn you into something else and burn it all away.

That spark of passion when you’re attracted to someone and they reciprocate your infatuation. When you see value in them and they, equally, see value in you.

That phase of relationships when another person is eager to take part in your life and you’re equally anxious to see them at each chance.

When you have fun together, instead of just being together all of the time while cooking and cleaning and managing your life.

When every time you look over at your spouse they’re playing games on their phone or snoring on their back. When every conversation you have with your spouse is them complaining about work shyt they choose not to change, or car repairs you can’t afford. When every birthday that goes by or special occasion is met with nothing more than the most thoughtless weak attempt at acknowledgement…

When your marriage has been going around in the same circle for years, beginning with you opening a dialogue with your spouse about your feelings of neglect and wrapping with the arguement and cherry picked fights that follow.

When you’ve spent almost half your marriage battling depression due to isolation and neglect…

Yes, I absolutely know and understand why people divorce/cheat.

What I’m finding out on this relationship journey, is that opposites may attract momentarily, but it’s imperative to find someone with similarities for longevity to avoid losing yourself in the relationship.

But, this is a lesson learned too late, this is marriage. This is marriage in reality.

So, what now? Where do we go from here? Stay tuned…