Release

I wish I could speak to an, unfortunately, delusional individual…

Dealing with a person in a state of emotional and psychological delusion is the most frustrating and discouraging thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.
There is no option of actual communication.  There is no chance that this type of person has the capacity to understand or even be able to hear statements that they are not personally comfortable with hearing…. Where does that leave me?  Just walking away from any and all contact or communication with that person, right?  Not if they are also uncultured, uneducated, and out-of-control.  Granted, that if a person has no ability to ration, understand, or communicate that those previous characteristics are probably an obvious set of  personality defects.

Well, for the last 3yrs I have been both vicariously and directly dealing with just such a person.

By only fault of my own, I know.  Because of my decision to stay in a type of relationship with the only person associating me to this mental case.  Yes, I have chosen for 3 years too long, to be a victim of a ghetto, dramatic relationship with a man unworthy of my attention, let alone my affection.
On the surface, no-one who comes into contact with me, or even those that know me well, would think that I would allow myself to be involved with such low-life chaos.  Unfortunately, my heart is weak for the broken and the broken are exactly who carry-on the ghetto baggage!  Not to leave it at that, the sex was also a huge factor.
No pun intended, “it” was not huge, it was average at best (considering his ethnic make-up, if that takes any accurate account)  but it was a force that kept me addicted and fighting my own better judgement for over 3 years!
Sex with this man was unlike any other experience I’ve had in the 12 years I’ve been acquiring experience in the department, I fantasize about the sex we have already had, and the last few times were even better than ever before. I don’t know what makes it so good…

At first, I would spend time with him, because he reminded me of a younger version of myself and made me feel like a better version of that person again…lately, I have only kept him as a character in my life in anticipation of the next sexual experience between myself and this man.
For those of you that have not had the luxury of reading the previous blogs in this series (that I was unable to transfer from Yahoo! blogs), the man I speak about in this addition is none other than the previously mentioned “eX”.

I cannot speak for myself and give excuses as to my shameful addiction, but as to what made me break the cycle?… Read on:

Lately, the sex has been much less frequent and my attachment to “eX” has been much less dependent, but the harassment from his “baby mama” has been just as obnoxious as always.  And somehow in the fading physical dependency for the sex with “eX”, the vicarious relationship between myself and the “bm” has suddenly become an unnecessary inconvenience.
And so, in the past few days of “eX”s babies mother calling, texting and harassing me, I have decided that it will finally be for the last time.  In my mind, if he was worth any of me, than he would have protected all of me from the constant harassment from his “bm” that he has inadvertently subjected me to all these years.
But I have to take responsibility for myself and my future and doing that means closing myself off from these people, mainly “eX”, the source of every bit of tragedy and drama that has passed through my life over the past 3 years.

The insecure, unattractive, uneducated, mentally unstable baby mama might think, that by me cutting my “eX” off and removing myself from his world, that she’s won and you know what….she can.
Because they deserve each other in every way. They are perfectly matched to one another, and I am better than they will ever be. I have been lowering myself to slum with him and have cheap meaningless sexual experiences the likes that I could have picked up at any upscale martini bar in Miami or Oakland.

Something like Love Potion #9 has had control over me for over 3 years and due to my time away from the source, I have been released from its intoxicating grip.
Suddenly I see my life and my future in front of me and now I am aware that it can never be what it is capable of being with “eX” and his drama involved with me.

“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. So ask yourself, how does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.” – Source Unknown

 

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